Tales of an Aspergian Bus Driver

Well... that was interesting.

So, I'm riding down the road, minding my own business, and I notice there's a cop behind me. No big deal, my tags are up to date, I'm not doing anything illegal, and it's a public roadway. The occasional slight swerve to avoid a manhole cover or pothole, but nothing dramatic. The front ends of the Iowa City police cars are slightly different from what I'm used to, so I'm making mental notes about the placement & texture of the lights for future reference. I should point out that it's 20 degrees out, the roads are totally dry, and I'm, as usual, on my motorcycle. With a helmet, gloves, leather coat, and windproof pants - it's really not bad at all in town.

I'm headed to Carlos O'Kellys for dollar taco night (meeting some people there). And... the police car turns into the frontage road. Strange... not usually a normal place for a police car to turn. And then he turns into the parking lot. I'm somewhat concerned now, but... maybe he's dealing with something at the restaraunt?

No. I pull into a parking spot, and he cuts the nose of his car into the spot to pin me in.

At this point, I'm officially confused. He never turned his lights on, just followed me in and pinned me into my spot. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what on earth I've done - I knew where he had turned onto the street, and I hadn't done anything illegal since then (or before then, for that matter). I did time some lights rather nicely, but that's not illegal (slow down early, and accelerate towards the intersection as the light's about to change to hit the green light at the speed limit or nearly the speed limit - I got really good at it driving busses, and I like to keep my skills up).

So, I just step off the bike, take my helmet off, and put my gloves in it. About this time, the officer walks up to me. From this point, conversation will be denoted by R: for Russ, and O: for the officer. Thoughts will be denoted (R:)

O: Are you Russell Graves?
R: Yes, sir.
O: I've got bad news.
(R:) ... no idea at ALL what this was about...
O: There's a warrant out for your arrest.
(R:) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?
R: For what, sir?
O: For failure to appear in court regarding an OUI in Osage.

At this point, I begin what's probably known in police circles as "Standard BS about why it couldn't possibly be me" - except I wasn't BSing.

R: Sir, I'm not aware of any OUIs outstanding against me. I've never had an OUI, I don't drink and drive, and I don't think I've even been in Osage.
O: Do you have anything I should know about? Guns, drugs, knives?
R: No, sir.
O: I'm going to have to pat you down anyway.

(patdown, with me pointing out any object of interest in the pocket being searched - sunglasses, paper, a pen, keys, cell phone, wallet)

O: I'm going to have to ask you to step into the car. Can I have your license?
R: Yes, sir. (provide license, sit down in the back of the car - not actually terribly uncomfortable, but not exactly a couch)
R: Where did this OUI violation occur, exactly?
O: (pulls the record up) On Highway 9, outside Osage.
R: Sir, I've never driven on Highway 9, and I know I was never arrested there.

I continue respectfully pointing out that I really have no idea what he's talking about, and he more or less brushes me off. At this point, I start reading the screen with the arrest notes on it, and notice a minor problem: My middle name is Edward, not Marrin. I point this out.

O: Yea, I was actually noticing that. And the birthday is wrong too. Let me call in to check.
O: (calls in, points out that he has the totally wrong person)
O: Well, I guess I'm glad I didn't cuff you.
(R:) !!!!! - I've never been cuffed, and have no particular interest in trying a pair on.
O: Have you had anything to drink tonight?
R: No sir. I just came from the gym.
O: I'm smelling alcohol. Maybe it's just from the bars or the resturant. I'm still going to ask you to blow into the breath tester.
(R:) I've heard tell of marching band types making these tubes emit awful noises from the volume of air. Worth a shot...

I attempt to force tuba-level volumes of air into a very small tube. It, sadly, makes no noises.

O: Stone sober.
R: Yes, sir.
O: Well, you can go now.

And I get let out of the car, and left to go eat cheap tacos.

All in all, 20 minutes of excitement I really could have done just fine without.

Now, what I want to know is, how on earth does the police department search records & such? I know that my name is tied to the license plates. I know my address is tied to the plates. I don't think my driver's license # is directly tied to the plates, but my SSN may be (it's been a while since I registered a vehicle - somewhat of a change from my vehicle per month I was registering for a while).

I assume that the vehicle is cross referenced with a primary driver, which is then checked for warrants. Does the system really only check first & last name, and lack any other way of referencing things? If so, that's a rather weak way of checking things. I guess it works well enough most of the time, but I'm sitting here as an example of it failing miserably.

Finally, I end with a math puzzle:
Expand (x-a)*(x-b)*(x-c)*...*(x-z). To avoid spoiling the fun, email me your answer - rgraves (shift-2) sevarg (shares a key with >) net - I'll filter them & post them, such that the answer isn't given away by the comments (yet).

-=Russ=-

Posted by rgraves at February 9, 2006 01:27 AM