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August 20, 2004
Bear Whiz Beer
Since it is the weekend before classes start here in the thriving metropolis of Ames, IA, it seems appropriate to focus on stories with a particular topic: beer. After all, what better way for 5,000 green-eared freshmen, newly released into the wild, to celebrate the merits of higher education than by passing out on my front lawn? (The correct answers are napping, reading, studying, or on the neighbors' front lawn).
First, from our neighbors up north: it seems that 4,200 twelve-packs of Moosehead lager decided to take off, eh, along with the truck-driving hoser who was responsible for the beer (that's 50,400 cans, for those of you in Boone). Authorities - who happen to be Mounties - have found the truck and trailer, but there is no sign of the beer or the driver. They seem to think that the beer will turn up sooner, rather than later, though, possibly because they got my tip about the house down the street. I don't know if it's Moosehead or not, but I'm almost certain that there are several thousand cases of the strange brew in their basement.
What makes this story even stranger (as if it needed a twist) is that the cans were being shipped to Mexico, so they have English (Canadian?) labels on one side and Spanish (Mexican) on the other. Es misterioso, eh? The whole thing reminds me of a great joke about Mother Teresa, but I don't want to get off topic.
And now for something completely (slightly) different... we have certain proof that bad beer is unbearable, courtesy of a large, furry Baker Lake, Washington resident. State wildlife officials found a black bear passed out on a resort lawn. The bear, who I will call Fuzzy Wuzzy out of respect for his family, had apparently stumbled across a cooler full of Busch and Rainier beer. Good ol' F.W. apparently has pretty good taste, because he tried one can of Busch, but finished 36 of the Rainiers. I have not tried either beverage, but from what I've heard, I think it's safe to say that this bear is not a jackass when it comes to good taste.
A wildlife agent tried to chase Mr. Wuzzy away from the campground, but he would have none of it, instead choosing to climb a tree and take a quick 4-hour nap (it must have been one bear of a hangover). Eventually our find forestry friends were able to lure Fuzzy away using doughnuts (must have been a police bear), honey (bee careful around animals like that), and 2 cans of Rainier (honest - I'm not lion to you about this one). They caught the bear in a large (presumably) humane (allegedly) trap and relocated him to a rehab facility (that'll teach him to stay way from the old hair of the dog).
The sad thing is that, as you read this, thousands of college freshmen are drinking what a wild animal refused. How embearassing.
Posted by Pat at August 20, 2004 04:19 PM
Comments
Oh, Pat. I'm sitting here by myself literally laughing outloud! I needed that! Thanks:)
Posted by: Jamie at August 20, 2004 08:43 PM
and then there's larry eustachy....
Posted by: erik at August 21, 2004 10:18 AM
beary good. :)
Posted by: paul at August 22, 2004 08:01 PM
...can you eat it...
Posted by: Jim at August 24, 2004 11:16 AM