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February 27, 2004
The Harder They Fall
It was a question I spent a great deal of time contemplating: "Would you like to Biggie-Size that for only 39 cents more?" Actually, I spent no time whatsoever thinking about it, at least initially. I politely declined and pulled forward to the next window. Having too much free time on my hands, however, I got to thinking (never a good sign) about the seemingly simple question. I hear it every time I go out to eat, but it didn't used to be that way. A decade ago, when many of my readers were still teething, no one asked about Monster-Sizing. Now it seems like they do it everywhere, even at the nicest restaurants that I go to, like Applebee’s. Or Subway.
The reason that no one asked a decade ago (maybe longer, it gets kinda fuzzy) was because the dreaded Combo Meal had not yet been invented. That's right, kids, back in my day, when you went to Burger King, you had to ask for everything individually: a burger, fries, and a drink. The cashier would then slowly press the 3 buttons on the register, averaging about 6 mistakes, to get your total. So the Combo was a logical business decision, because it greatly reduced the amount of time and effort required from both the cashier and the customer, and it also reduced the average mistakes-per-order to 5.
There was another reason, though. The introduction of the combo meal caused many people to get slightly larger orders. Prior to this, my mother would always get a small drink and fries with her burger. The combo upgraded her to medium, but it's OK, because it was only like 39 cents more, and besides, it's easy. I don't think you can even get small fries anymore. Maybe not even medium, either. Size options are Large, Massive, and Ludicrous. What does this accomplish? People are now accustomed to eating ludicrous amounts of food. For only 39 cents more, roughly.
So now comes the real question: if it's ONLY 39 cents, and thus, not that big of a deal at all, why do they ask me every single time? Well, how many orders does a national fast food chain take in a year? I haven't checked the McDonalds sign recently, but I would guess that millions and millions are served. Multiply that by $0.39. There's your answer.
I would also contend that $0.39 really is a significant amount of money. My total last night was $5.61. Biggie-sizing would have resulted in a 7% price increase, which is a pretty significant amount. Who in corporate guru wouldn't want to automatically increase sales revenues by 7%? And the best part is, costs don't change significantly. Honestly, do you really think the extra 4 ounces of soda are setting them back that much?
Over the span of roughly 10 years, we've increased the size of our drinks and fries from small to ludicrous. Anyone wonder why Americans are obese? It's because everyone sits around and reads the Internet all day instead of exercising, but I digress. And what caused this problem? Well, my mom has started just ordering a drink and a burger again when she goes out, but she's the only one. Everyone else just shells out the "little bit" of extra cash. Not very bright, eh? What's missing from the equation? I have never witnessed this, but I've been told that you can get beer at fast food restaurants in other countries (Germany, Ireland, France, Arkansas). Hmmm. Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.
BUT going around blaming other people for your problems is no way to go through life, either. I say +10 to the food economists for coming up with an amazing business strategy and -5 to all of us for falling for it, face first. The answer is not litigation. In most civilized countries, you would be laughed at and mocked if you sued someone else because YOU were dumb. On the other hand, in most civilized countries, people don't put hot coffee between their legs while driving. So maybe that's a wash.
What you SHOULD do, though, is get off your biggie-sized posterior and take a walk. Get some exercise. It's been above freezing for about 2 weeks now in Iowa, and over 40 degrees for the last 3 days. Heck, we've only got like 6 inches of snow left in our front yard. It's beautiful out there. Do something productive for once. As for me, I'm going to finish this 42 ounce Frosty and then take a nap. It's hard work eating all of that food, and I think I've earned it.
Posted by Pat at 05:37 AM | Comments (7)
February 26, 2004
They All Look Cooler Than Me
Yesterday I was reminded, very politely and gently, that I am a clod. You see, I posted this mildly insightful, mildly amusing, mildly smelly, mostly navel-gazing bit about dorks. It was mostly meant to get the wheels turning in heads (mine and yours) about social interactions, as well as get a few cheap laughs. It was brought to my attention, far too late, of course, that some people could read it and take it very personally. This did not occur to me because, as previously noted, I am a clod. And an insensitive one, at that. I should really get a proof-reader.
I think my first mistake was using the word, "dork." Well, no, my first mistake was getting out of bed, and that was just for the day, but let's not get ahead (or behind, as the case may be) of ourselves. That can stir up a lot of connotations (dorks, not getting out of bed), many of which are hurtful, and most of which were not really what I intended. I think that "buffoon" might have been a better choice. Or "people that annoy me." But I couldn't really write about how annoying people that annoy me are, could I? Not in so many words, anyway. But rest assured, loyal readers, that I was not referring to any of you.
You are, after all, loyal readers, which means that you are also, by definition, very erudite individuals. I cater only to the smartest, and simply by reading, you are constantly becoming even more informed about a myriad of important topics. Like herring farts. I also contend that if you felt hurt, offended, or insulted by what I was saying, I was not talking about you. In fact, I was talking about no specific person, at all. But, for the record, the type of person I was thinking of would read my blog and think, "Yeah, those dorks really annoy me!" So if that was your response... well, that's OK, it was mine, too.
So what does that make me? Other than an insensitive clod? A dork? A hypocrite? A writer who can't clearly express his point? An abuser of rhetorical questions? All of the above? The point I was trying to make is, while it is good to try and not make any major social faux pas, it is also good to not worry about what others are doing. I was trying to hold up a mirror, but unfortunately, I broke it in the process, I think. What a dork. And insensitive clod. And intolerant jerk, too, apparently. Sentence fragments bad.
Anyway, I will close by apologizing, and then telling a seemingly irrelevant story. I'm sorry if you were hurt or offended. Yes, really. I apologize (hangs head). When I was in high school (back in the mid-twenties), I played in the brilliantly named ska band Albino Death Wheel. There moments of greatness, but were, for the most part, somewhere between mediocre and shady. We did, however, have a lot of fun in the process. One of the best compliments I ever got came from a very talented musician who I respect a lot. After seeing a show, he said (roughly): "The problem with most bands is that they try to be something they're not. You guys know how good you are, you know what you are, so you go up there and do it, and do it really well."
My point is this: be what you are. If someone suggests that, in the future, you consider not breaking wind at the opera, take it into consideration (man, that's two flatulence jokes in one day, this thing's going to ... POT!). Having a little social grace is a good thing, and will serve you well later in life. On the other hand, don't be embarrassed for liking DOS or My Little Pony (well, maybe that one, we'll see) - go with what works. Don't take yourself too seriously, because no one else probably does. If you mess up occasionally, that's OK, too. Blame it on the tuba player.
Posted by Pat at 05:39 AM | Comments (5)
February 25, 2004
All The Geeks That I Meet
I have a confession to make: I don't like hanging out with dorks. I've only become more acutely aware of this recently, and I'm not sure quite what to think about it. You know the types of people that I'm talking about: it could be said that they need more maturity, or perhaps that they are lacking some basic social graces, or maybe that they are big nerds. Regardless of the nomenclature, I've realized that I don't like socializing with these people.
My first reaction is to feel terrible. This is not a very healthy attitude, especially coming from a reformed dork (I do still use words like "nomenclature," after all). People are people, right? And we're all created equally, at least according to the Constitution of the United States (unless you are a fetus or a minority, in which case you may lose or gain special privileges, but that is beside the point), so I should be just as content hanging out with dorks as I would if I were hanging out with, say, Michael Jordon and Brad Pitt. Yet it would seem that this is not the case.
Is it my fault? It bothers me when people open their mouths and say things that are completely inappropriate, or act in ways that "normal" people would clearly find unacceptable. I think it bothers me even more when people are completely oblivious to the fact that they are behaving like social outcasts. Just because you are one doesn't mean that you should act like one. Yes, I can be a bit short-tempered and thin-skinned, but I still think it's more than that.
The most frightening thing occurs to me: am I so self-conscious that I am embarrassed to be seen, to be associated with these people? Clearly, this could not be the case. As I said, I'm a former dork, so I have little dignity remaining. Also, I am fairly self-confident. Aren't I? At least I think I am. Maybe. It's embarrassing for me to think that I could be embarrassed to be seen in public with a buffoon. This couldn't possibly be right. Could it?
I really have only one thing to say about that: "The Old Country Buffoons" would be an excellent name for a rock band.
Posted by Pat at 05:53 AM | Comments (9)
February 24, 2004
We Don't Need No Stinking Topic
President Bush laid out his agenda/platform for re-election today. In completely unrelated and equally non-earth-shattering news, The Lone Strangers spent a large portion of Monday night recording a demo. Having listened just briefly to the results of the evening, it is my prediction, as well great hope, that these tracks will never see the light of day (other than being attached to the application for which they were recorded, after which, they will, with any luck, quickly be destroyed). I do want to thank Scott Hanson for taking a big chunk of time out of his night to record us, as well as a big chunk out of his tomorrow to mix. Ahem. MORE GUITARS!!!
In news that is somewhat related - it pertains to music - I purchased the most recent Blink-182 CD after being dragged, kicking and screaming, into Best Buy last weekend. Having listened to it about 17,000 times since Saturday, I would like to upgrade my previous review from "Really Good" to "Really, Really Good." The amount of songwriting growth is absolutely astounding. Drummer Travis Barker finally steals the spotlight completely on this album, and deservedly so. How many 'punk' albums do you know of that end with a drum solo... of dueling snares? The band also makes excellent use of both new and old technology and recording techniques to get some pretty cool tones.
While they may not be as cool as this guy, I do have to suggest that you give the album a listen.
Posted by Pat at 05:31 AM | Comments (6)
February 23, 2004
Nader Here Nor There
I may be a Buddhist after all. Further reinforcing my beliefs in Karma, Ralph Nader has, once again, decided to run for President of these fine United States of Whatever. Much to the surprise of no one in particular. Nader's announcement managed to breathe some life into a weekend that would have otherwise been fairly eventless, and yet simultaneously entirely too short, so I can't complain. In other breaking news, yesterday occurred.
Nader, as you probably don't recall, got 2.7% of the popular vote in 2000, and thus secured his place in history as the 10th most unfairly blamed person for Gore's defeat (right behind the 9 Supreme Court justices). I don't think Nader deserves the blame - Gore and Clinton can fight over who gets what percentage of that - but I think it's nice to watch people sweat over it. It's also fun to whisper "Perot" in the ears of sleeping Democrats, just to watch them quiver. Never mind the fact that H. Ross Perot, in addition to having much larger ears than Nader, also pulled in a much bigger portion of the vote (18.9% in '92, 8.4% in '96), both are equally ridiculous characters, so it's fun to draw comparisons.
Best spin of the day: in the simultaneous responses of panic and nonchalance, some are trying to say that Nader running as an independent won't be a factor in the way that Nader running as a Green Party candidate was; he won't have the support of an established party. Yes, that support of an established party sure would be nice. I bet Nader spends nights awake, wishing that he'd had it at some point. No matter, he's campaigning, as he always does, on the needs and concerns of regular Americans. Concerns (as outlined in the Green Party platform) such as Ecological Wisdom, Feminism, and Gender Equity. If I could only count the nights that I spend awake, worrying about ecological wisdom.
I could go on all day, but it's just too easy to take pot-shots. I've probably already given more attention, and wasted more 1's and 0's, than the man deserves. In the end, I think Nader's run accomplishes three things.
-He gives the disenfranchised Dean-iacs someone to vote for.
-He causes a massive distraction for Terry McAuliffe and whoever wins the Democratic nomination (Kerry).
-He provides a much needed comic relief reliever for Al Sharpton.
So I say run, Ralph, run! But, just like Stephen Hawking in a marathon, since your chances aren't all that great, anyway, try not to hurt yourself.
Posted by Pat at 06:14 AM | Comments (6)
February 20, 2004
Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller
It's time to talk about sports again. Why? Because I can, that's why. First off, there's big baseball news this week. Maddux is back to the Cubs and A-Rod went to the Yankees. Yawn. If A-Rod could pitch, that might be amazing, but the only thing that deal has accomplished is throwing more fuel on the fire of the Boston Red Sox (perennial American League Losers). Meanwhile, Maddux's return to Chicago has left many believing that the perennial National League Losers could end up meeting their AL counterparts in the World Series. I hope everyone gets right with God before then, because a Red Sox/Cubs Series would open up a tear in the space-time continuum and possible result in the death of every first-born. According to God, some teams just aren't supposed to win the World Series. Even the atheists believe that.
But the REALLY controversial baseball news is that - are you ready for this - Barry Bonds' trainer got busted for having steroids. The fact that anyone is treating this as really big news is completely beyond my scope of understanding. In 1991, Barry Bonds had a build more slight than mine. And I was in 6th grade! I kid you not, he was listed at something like 6ft, 185lbs, and was known for his speed, agility, and ability to turns base-hits into doubles. None of this is secret information, yet sports reporters have to act shocked and just mildly outraged that cheating MAAAAY have taken place in professional baseball. It is a bit absurd. I thought that, after 50 years, the reason that everyone suddenly starting hitting 70 homeruns a season had something to do with quality weight training. Or because, as the Earth has flown through space, it has lost some mass, so that there's less gravity to contend with. Yeah, that seems just as reasonable.
In other ridiculous sporting news, Iowa State still can't win a road basketball game. It's really frustrating, because they are so good so much of the time, especially at home, and then they go on the road and make 3 turnovers on their first 3 possessions. And 10 in the first 10 minutes. Again. And don't play defense. Again. Don't even get me started on rebounds. I'm no basketball coach, but it seems to be that if no one boxes out Ricky Paulding, he's probably going to get a lot of second chance points. And if you let Arthur Johnson, a nearly-300 lb. senior, within 2 feet of the basket without putting a body on him, he's probably going to get a lot of easy points. And, AND if you put your 7ft tall 125 lb senior bench warmer into the game with 10 minutes left in the FIRST half, something is seriously wrong. Especially when he is AN IMPROVEMENT!!!
But, with all of that said, how many people thought that Iowa State would see any success this year? With the controversial dismissal of a head coach, followed by the slow, agonizing process of hiring your 5th choice to replace him, Iowa State was picked to finish 10th in the Big 12. And I'm getting frustrated that they probably won't make the NCAA tournament. I should be ecstatic that they're going to get more than 1 game of post season play at all. Congratulations to Wayne Morgan on getting the opportunity of a lifetime, on a fluke, and then running with it. He's got my nomination for Big 12 Coach of the Year.
Posted by Pat at 05:41 AM | Comments (6)
February 19, 2004
She Drives Me Crazy
There was an article in Sunday's Des Moines Register (+5 to Case Doorn for passing this on and being ahead of the curve, -3 for admittedly having never read this blog) that I am still trying to get my head around. I really recommend that you read the entire article, but here is the short version: if you get a moving violation in Cass County, Iowa, you can get out of it by pleading to non-moving violations and paying a substantially greater fine. An example from the article:
(County Attorney James) Barry regularly sends violators a letter in which he lays out the terms for a deal: "I will reduce the ticket," he writes, "in increments of 5 mph. Each 5 mph costs $147." The payments - some of which are $155 per increment - are processed as fines assigned to defective-equipment violations. Those violations are selected by the defendants themselves and can be chosen from a list of "possible nonmoving violations" supplied by Barry.
With that list comes a stern directive from the prosecutor, instructing each defendant to provide an affidavit, or a sworn statement. In those affidavits, the defendants claim to have committed the defective-equipment violations. "Without the affidavit, there can be no deal," Barry tells them.
Once the court clerk receives the money and the sworn statement, a clerk writes tickets that correspond to the predetermined fines and violations. Barry then signs the tickets under a line that says, "I certify under penalty of perjury and pursuant to the laws of the State of Iowa that the preceding is true and correct."
This means that if I get pulled over for driving 75 in a 65mph zone, I can swear that I had faulty brake lights (or headlights, seatbelts, wipers, tires, etc) and pay $294 to get out of a $43 speeding ticket. What are the benefits of this? The county makes substantially more money, and I avoid higher insurance premiums, or possibly losing my license, if I am a repeat offender. Not too shabby. What are the potential problems? A County Attorney tacitly encouraging perjury. Unfairly skewing insurance records, penalizing good drivers. Whether or not the practice is unethical, it sure looks bad. There are many more.
Some have argued that the system is unfair because it allows the rich to get out of their tickets. I'm not sure that I agree with this argument. According to Cass County, the two punishments are the legal equivalent, so it's not like one is worse than the other. My objection is that the two are NOT equal punishments: obviously there are many who would rather pay substantially higher fines, and these people are generally doing so to avoid losing their licenses. This is an enormous moral hazard. The system allows, if not encourages, bad driving, and bad drivers staying on the road, endangering others.
What Barry is doing is legal, and, while citizens pretend to be appalled by that fact, none of them really complain when they're getting off the hook for speeding. So, while there is much feigned outrage, no one is really doing anything about it, which is understandable. I guess the thing that bothers me most is knowing that there are people driving around in Cass County who, anywhere else in the world, would have had their licenses revoked long ago. I'm just a simple caveman, so I don't understand these fine legal points that people are talking about. But I do hope that something changes before someone gets killed by a guy who has 17 defective brake lights and 6 bad windshield wipers on his 1 motorcycle.
***
Side note: I am thinking about going to evening publishing. Why? Because this is really early in the morning, and I don't get paid enough, that's why. It turns out that this is entry 100, so becoming a night owl seems like an appropriate enough way to celebrate. Thoughts? Objections?
Posted by Pat at 05:32 AM | Comments (7)
February 18, 2004
Curtain Call
Well, what have we here? It turns out that all of the dirty little boys were right: showers are bad for you. UC Boulder microbiologist Dr. Norman Pace recently did a study and found that he has too much free time on his hands. Just kidding, what he actually found is that his salary is paid by a bunch of suckers, i.e. taxpayers. Wait, that's not right, either. But it's just as reasonable.
Pace decided one day, possible after sniffing too many lab chemicals, to scrape off his shower curtain and put the soap scum under a microscope. You mean it's never occurred to YOU to try that? Anyway, Pace found that - brace yourself - there's a lot of gross stuff on your shower curtain. This seems common-sensical to me: we just threw away a shower curtain that, after six months of use, was able to stand on its own, and was beginning to get belligerent if you wanted to take a shower too early in the morning. Pace, however, was intrigued, and decided to do what any other normal person would do. Watch the Simpsons? Of course not, he decided scrape some more curtains (someone should alert PETSC).
Pace had an undergrad student, Ulrike Theissen (pron: I Can't Believe I'm Doing This), collect curtain samples from 3 other Boulder showers, as well as one from Berkeley, CA. Now, if you're like me, I'm sorry. But you're also probably thinking, "I've been to Boulder; no one actually showers there!" I would suspect the same to be true of Berkeley. Furthermore, you have to figure that if the users of said curtains only shower once every 10 years or so (not an unreasonable assumption), there's a lot of marijuana buildup on there. According to the (formerly, apparently) respectable Financial Times, the "bio-aerosol" generated by turning on the shower then causes all of the "microbes" on the "curtain" to rise up in the "air" and... yeah, this is starting to make sense now.
The best part of this article, I would have to say, is this quote from Pace, who, let me remind you, is a professor at a major American university: "When you cough, belch or fart, you're putting a lot of organic chemistry in there." Indeed. Well, I'm off to go see if I can get a second-hand high from some Berkeley Curtains. Which, by the way, would make an excellent name for a punk band.
Posted by Pat at 06:06 AM | Comments (5)
February 17, 2004
***admin***
sorry about the downtime! Pat's world is now up, fully functional, and better than ever!
love,
the admin
Posted by Pat at 07:24 AM | Comments (6)
Hit the Brakes
Have you ever been pulled over for speeding? I, personally, haven't, at least in the last 6 years or so, but it's a pretty distinct feeling. You're driving along - maybe a little late, maybe just in a hurry - so you decide to push it, just a little bit. Only 5 or 6 mph. Sooner or later, you look down at the speedometer and realize that 5 or 6 has turned into 8 or 10, and you think to yourself, man, I really should slow down. "Buuuuuut," (and there's always a 'but'), "I'm making good time, and I'm the only one on the road, it's not like I'm hurting anyone else..."
BAM! You fly by the cop, realize you're doing a solid 15 over, and hit the brakes. "Maybe he won't notice." The denial. The lights come on. The justification: "I wasn't going that fast. I wasn't hurting anything. It's not THAT bad, I mean, there are people running meth labs out there!" All true, and all moot.
So you pull over and wait. And wait. And wait. And while you wait, you think, and you start to notice that giant knot in your stomach. The pounding that started when you saw the officer has slowed to a dull, thudding pulse.
Every analogy breaks down - that one in several places, probably - but that sort of sums the last several days for me. I was starting to realize that I was not using my time wisely and/or appropriately in a number of circumstances. But I had my excuses and justifications (some of which are actually pretty reasonable, if you ask me), so I was slow to react. Until I saw the sirens. Taken into context, I think that Colossians 3:22-24 is pretty important to keep in mind. The same idea, with slightly different wording, can be found in Ephesians 6:5-7. Translated into Pat's Simplified Version, it says (roughly): "Serve those in authority over you, stupid. They're in authority for a reason, so give it everything you've got." I'd say that's some pretty solid advice.
Posted by Pat at 05:57 AM | Comments (1)
February 16, 2004
Huh?
I have no answers today, only questions.
Why, exactly, did the Lone Strangers play at the 17th Annual Valentines Event on Saturday night? Did we accomplish whatever it was we were supposed to? What were we thinking when we picked those songs? Should this ever happen again?
Will Iowa State be able to use the victory over Texas to springboard to a road win? Will Jake Sullivan be able to shoot more than 2% on the road? What happened with Marcus Jefferson, for real? What on earth makes me think that I can go play basketball tonight without severely injuring/killing myself? What are the odds that the gym will actually implode from all of the sucking that is taking place: caliber of play, and me trying to fill my lungs with oxygen?
At this point, is there really any point in trying to be politically correct anymore?
Why is there a sudden, newfound fascination with blogging? My links page quadrupled in size over the weekend. How many of the new authors will be able to sustain their momentum? How many will be able to sustain their momentum and be able to write something interesting? When I started (way back in the day), I came under fire for missing a single day; what are the odds that this will happen to anyone else? Now that there is more fodder out there, will anyone still care if I do?
Which is better: Halo or Return to Castle Wolfenstein?
Speaking of blogging, why do I persist? This wasn't supposed to be a political blog, but what else am I going to write about? What else can I do that is interesting to more people than just a small group of my friends? At 5 columns a week, I am doing about 100% more output than most syndicated columnists - why don't I get paid for this? Anyone want to hire me?
Why is it that people will drive 75 in the right-hand lane, then go to pass someone and slow to 67? Why does the city of Ames behave like it hates students? Why do people take Al Sharpton seriously, but not Alan Keyes? Why is that I can take a 2 hour nap, get 10 hours of sleep, and still be tired in the morning? Does anyone want to buy a slightly used Marshall Amplifier? How long will it be before the New York Times actually publishes a full section for corrections?
Did you know that the company that makes the energy drink Rockstar has released Diet Rockstar? Does anyone else see any irony, or at least an oxymoron, in this? And is it at all possible to come up with a better product endorsement for me? I bought a can for display purposes only, but does anyone know if the stuff actually tastes good?
Why must I read Leviticus?
No answers, only questions.
Posted by Pat at 09:45 AM | Comments (9)
February 13, 2004
Try Renaming it the Weekly
I am hesitant to do this, because it seems like high-lighting stupidity and incompetence only breeds more, but has anyone read the Iowa State Daily recently? Having argued profusely that the paper is an important news source on campus, the editors seem to be doing their best to report absolutely no news.
Yesterday's big piece was how an announced candidate for Government of Student Body (GSB) President, Russ Graves, thinks that homosexuality is a sin (you can still view the actual front page coverage - with photo - in pdf form, if you choose), but that those beliefs wouldn't adversely affect his decision making. Is this newsworthy? Well, let's see. Big exposé piece? Nope, the Daily quoted from letters to the editor that Graves wrote. Were there instances of discrimination? Nope. Everyone the Daily interviewed that knows Graves said that he treats everyone the same, whether gay, straight, and/or confused. So what is actually IN this article? People who don't know Russ are surmising that his views could adversely effect the LGBTAAAAAAA population on campus. Who is surmising this? Well, other candidates, mainly. Even Julia McGinley, president of the Acronym Alliance, said that she doesn't know enough to make a decision yet.
How is this piece news? Well, it's not, especially since there were no other comparable articles. Does one of the candidate's beliefs in evolution mean that they will treat Christian groups unfairly? How about candidates who are part of the Greek system? Will they give inadequate funding for groups of students who live off-campus or in dorms? And what about the editors of the Daily? Do their left-leaning tendencies cause them to give preferential treatment to some stories but not others? Don't all students pay for the Daily? I'm not pointing any fingers, here, but I lost count of the number of times that Time for Peace has been on the cover of the Daily because I ran out of fingers and toes, and there are only like 10 people in that group. If the Daily were "fair" in its coverage, they'd have to run 5 articles a day about Salt Company just to keep up. Somebody should launch an investigation.
The sad part is, I was just going to ignore yesterday's silliness - after all, it's what I have come to expect - but today's paper pushed me over the edge. There are two articles about bands: No Stone Thrown, who have played 1 gig, and An Evening, who have played 0 gigs, and will have, presumably, 0 fans: "We sort of de-emphasize the whole idea of overt hooks and melody." Which leaves us with what, exactly? Newsworthy quote of the day: "Honestly, I don't have any idea [how to explain the band's style]. I've tried to have people help me out and tell me, but nobody seems to be able to describe it." Boy, I'm glad we got to read that. It's very enlightening. Fortunately, in addition to having never played before, the band has also never recorded anything, making further research of this non-music pretty much impossible. It's a good thing the Daily picked up on this compelling story.
I don't mean to be (incredibly) rude, but it's hard not to. I am glad the Daily is covering the Ames music scene, and I want them to keep it up. Not only that, any time they've done articles on me, they've been incredibly kind. I'm probably jeopardizing my career here, but this annoys me to the point of looking beyond self-interest. I fully expect, on Monday morning, to see headlines like, "Winters in Iowa Typically Cold," or, "School Colors Still Cardinal, Gold, and Blue." "'Earth Still Exists,' says Biology Prof." Wait - I know! How about a feature on my political career, and my struggle to be the 2004 Republican Presidential nominee? I haven't registered, and I haven't started campaigning, but I'll be starting soon, and boy, will it be amazing!
Am I being unreasonable? The Daily argued this year that if the GSB provided funding for the USA Today "Campus Reader" program, it would be tragedy for the Daily (and that locusts and frogs would fall from the sky, you know, the usual). Put aside, momentarily, the fact that the Daily argued the exact same things 3 years ago when the readership program began in the dorms, and that none of these terrible things have happened. The Daily's justification for its own existence is that it provides the best coverage of campus news. This has always been true largely by default - they provide the ONLY coverage of campus news. When they start running feature articles about bands that haven't even played a show, it might be time to throw in the towel and save the students $90,000 a year. I can read about crap like that on the internet for free.
Oh, and don't forget to visit www.lonestrangers.com.
Posted by Pat at 10:05 AM | Comments (9)
February 12, 2004
She Should Have Just Taught Birth-Control
It's going to be a long year for intellectual diversity and free thought - I can tell already. Exhibit A: a teacher in suburban Albany, New York is in deep doo-doo for asking students to debate the pros and cons of Hitler. I'll pause to let you all find something to throw at me. Good. Now that that we've finished with silly, reactionary responses, maybe we can discuss this like adults. Probably not, but I'll pretend, OK?
Now, what is wrong with this scenario? What is the cause for the uproar? NOTHING! Ms. Lyons didn't have her students, whom, I might add, are in HIGH SCHOOL, write a paper on why Hitler was good, she told them to debate about it. When pressed for an example of good, Ms. Lyons suggested to her students that the Nazis did a lot of helpful medical research. This is true; it is also one of the ethical conundrums of our time, so much so that it is probably going to get Ms. Lyons fired, in spite of her apology.
The point of the exercise was not to justify Hitler, it was to encourage critical thinking. Unless you are trying to take advantage of an opiated mass, critical thinking is a good skill for people to have. What better way than to try to come up with good things that Hitler did? Well, he salvaged the German economy, created a great spirit of patriotism, and amassed an incredible war-machine. German technology, music, record-keeping, etc. were all amazing. He ensured that no one will ever again wear a moustache like that. "Alright, students, that's good; now let's use our critical thinking skills to decide whether or not the good outweighs the bad!" This could also serve as a good method for thinning out the gene pool; anyone who still thinks that Hitler/Nazi Germany was an overall good can be shot, and the world will be a better, smarter place (if you don't see the irony in this suggestion, you should probably get in line for the shooting).
I can understand parents initially balking at the idea, especially when it was relayed incorrectly by the students. I can hear Kyle's mom: "Hitler?! Good!?! What-what-what?!?!?" But if we make the whole subject taboo, along with anything else remotely controversial, no one will be able to think for themselves. Sound silly? Perhaps, but you won't be laughing when we have a bunch of young people who can't distinguish the difference between an elected President and a psychotic German dictator.
Posted by Pat at 11:46 AM | Comments (4)
February 11, 2004
Everyone Else is Wrong
I have recently noticed a trend among Christians, especially the "emerging church" types. The trend is to be cynical, critical, and dismissive of everything that doesn't fit into their particular view of the world. I don't think that this is a new trend. In fact, I suspect that it has been going on, in one form or another, since long before I was born. My guess is that, as one who was formerly cynical, critical, dismissive, Lutheran, and several other adjectives, I just never noticed it until now. But it's starting to make me upset, and, since I have now noticed it, something needs to be done immediately.
A couple of general examples: why do people hate Rick Warren so much? Do I agree with his theology? I doubt it, but Purpose Driven Life doesn't contain it, so it's hard to answer that completely. Do I agree with everything in Purpose Driven Life? No. Nor do a lot people who have a lot more initials behind their names. Could I nitpick the book to pieces? Probably, but it seems like a waste of time. I would feel that way even if it HADN'T already been given the white-glove treatment by hundreds of others.
I do know that, on a broad level, Warren is simply restating Biblical truths that the church has taught for centuries, and doing it in a way that makes it accessible to many people. It would also appear that God has chosen to use this book, for His purposes, in amazing ways. It would ALSO appear that almost all of the self-proclaimed experts chose to ignore this book until it was highly successful; only THEN did it become the downfall of concrete theological thought and, quite possibly, society as a whole.
Another phenomenon that I have witnessed: "Such-and-such an organization does all these things wrong!" This is followed by a laundry list of gripes. The organization is beholden to the church that provides the money. The para-church organization doesn't have anyone supervising them. They are too morally loose. They are too morally rigid. They think the Earth is only 2,000 years old when we all KNOW that it's really 2,500. The point that God uses MANY different ways to reach people. Yes, even that specific group that annoys you - Rock, Navigators, Campus Crusade, Baptists, Lutherans, Old Men Handing Out Bibles in the Snow... God is using all of these groups, to one extent or another, even if they aren't perfect. That's an awfully high standard, after all.
I don't believe that we should amend Purpose Driven Life to the Bible - it isn't the Word of God, it's the word of Rick Warren, which God is using. I don't believe that para-church organizations are perfect. On the other hand, neither is the organization with which I am involved. God seems to be using both, anyway. I don't believe that Rodney King was 100% correct when he pleaded, "Can't we all just get along?" On the other hand, if something is successful, can't we all avoid treating it like a big red target at which we must shoot our little, nit-pickity arrows? There sure are a lot of people that feel comfortable throwing stones, and it's starting to make me nervous.
Posted by Pat at 01:30 PM | Comments (3)
February 10, 2004
V.D. II
Some more Valentine's Day/Friday the 13th suggestions:
-Take an hour to meditate on the things in your life that are really important and meaningful. Some suggestions: firearms, the Dow Jones, plasma-screen TVs, rock and roll, things that are fast and expensive (cars, motorcycles, airplanes, boats, lawn mowers, etc.), and power tools.
-Build the Donald Rumsfeld Monument out of duct-tape and spent shell casings. If desired, include various "mini-Dons" in different poses, like giving Saddam Hussein a noogie, pimp-slapping Dan Rather, kicking Barbara Walters in the teeth, and punching Osama Yo Mama in the nose. Include a large sound system that will play inspiring music, namely, "Bodies," by Drowning Pool.
-Read stories of true love and bliss, like this one:
Instead of riding into the sunset with his beloved, a wayward groom earned a trip to the Davis County Jail on his wedding day after a brawl between the bride-to-be and the honor attendant, Centerville police said.
About 12:15 p.m. Saturday, the bride, 20, her mother and the attendant went to the Centerville Target store to buy makeup for the wedding later that day, Lt. Paul Child said.
The three were still in the parking lot, police said, when the honor attendant told the bride she had slept with the groom the night before.
"Obviously, this was upsetting to the bride-to-be," who assaulted the attendant, Child said.
Officers were called on a report of a fight in progress, and cited the bride for assault.
Afterward, the upset bride told police she "wanted to have a little chat" with the groom.
"We decided it would be best to have an officer accompany her," Child said.
When officers contacted the 19-year-old groom, they discovered he had several warrants for his arrest, including a $10,000 bench warrant issued out of 3rd District Court for failure to appear, Child said. He was arrested and taken to jail.
Child said he did not believe the bride ever got the opportunity to speak to the groom about the matter. And the honor attendant, who lives in St. George, was "stranded," he said.
Was the wedding canceled?
"I can only assume so," Child said.
It just warms the heart, doesn't it?
Posted by Pat at 07:38 AM | Comments (3)
February 09, 2004
V.D.
In honor of this weekend, I'm going to be publishing lists of things that you can do in celebration of my favorite holiday: Friday the 13th. Um, make that Valentine's Day (although I do think the close proximity of the two is a bit more than coincidence).
-4 Words: Jean-Claude Van Damme Marathon
-Express your feelings through music. Some suggestions: Coldplay, James Taylor, Marvin Gaye, Slayer, and Napalm Death.
-Stand outside your favorite restaurant (example: Arby's) and stare longingly at the happy couples inside. When they stare back, moon them.
-Forget the candy-hearts; go with the much cooler candy-spleens (jelly filled).
-Make duct-tape monuments to Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable
-Street-luge!
-Start a "February Water-Balloon Fight," preferably with complete (and unsuspecting) strangers.
There will be, no doubt, more to come.
Posted by Pat at 11:44 AM | Comments (4)
February 06, 2004
Baked Goods and Bads
Well, it's JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation) time here at work. It's a lot like United Way, only much funnier, at least for me. I was diagnosed with diabetes over 15 years ago, and my family and I were dedicated supporters, all the way back when it was just the JDF. That's right; we were there before the "R." I actually have JDF t-shirts in my closet, right now, that say "Countdown to the 90's" on them. If necessary, I am fully capable of kicking it old-school.
Apparently my company got involved in raising money for the JDRF when the former President's son was diagnosed. I certainly appreciate the family devotion as well as the corporate responsibility for getting involved with charities in addition to the United (mafia) Way. As always, they are using various methods to raise funds. If you contribute, you can wear jeans on every Friday this month. Also, there is the ever-present bake sale.
Now, I am thankful for the efforts of my co-workers, but I don't think the irony of selling cookies, donuts, rolls, and pie to raise money for diabetes has really hit anyone else. I laugh every time I walk past the table, but they just give me funny looks. I am really hoping that, before the end of the day, someone is going to ask me if I want to buy something. I am also hoping that, just by chance, someone will be video-taping my response. In the unlikely even that this happens, I'll post it here. I'll probably be out of a job, but I'm sure it's worth it.
A little less amusing is the dilemma that I will face when I am asked/leaned-on to contribute. After all, the diabetic guy is the one wearing jeans, something must be wrong here, right? Well, yeah. About a decade ago (give or take, I don't remember exactly), the then-JDF started using its money to lobby Congress for research funds. Being in favor of small government, this did not sit well. I realize that there is money to be had, but I don't think a lobbying organization is the best way to do that. After all, if there were lower taxes, I could just give more money directly to research, and cut out about 17 middlemen. More efficient, right? It was not a deal-breaker, but it was a red flag, and a sign of things to come.
The JDRF has spent the past several years actively lobbying for fetal tissue research. And you all know how I feel about abortion: it IS a deal-breaker. I don't particularly want to start a heated discussion about this at work, especially with all the fetal-tissue twists. Yes, abortion is legal, and you COULD say that, if the tissue is available, we should do tests on it. On the other hand, you could say that if I give money to the JDRF, I'm giving money to an organization that is actively supporting abortion. In the words of George H.W. Bush, not gonna do it. And if a heated discussion is necessary, I suppose that's what I'll have to do. At least I have a little moral authority on this one, as the department's token broken pancreas.
I guess in the end, I am not sure how this is such a big deal in the first place. I'd rather see the money go to cancer research. There can be a lot of terrible complications from diabetes, but they are almost all come as a result of someone not taking care of themselves. As long as I watch my diet and exercise, it is completely possible for me to live a long, healthy, unrestricted life.
And, in celebration of that, I'm going to go get some cookies. Who's with me?
Posted by Pat at 09:56 AM | Comments (5)
February 05, 2004
All She Wants to Do Is...
Last night, I was exposed, for the first time, to something incredibly shocking. No, not Janet and Justin! I witnessed people playing Dance Dance Revolution. For starters, I would like to know why this game is not called Dance Revolution. It would certainly be easier to say and type. Perhaps it's because the games makers wanted to have a cool acronym. This would make sense, because all of the people that I saw playing DDR also looked like they had spent some serious time playing D&D, as well.
I realize that I don't dance much, which affords me the ability to make fun of these guys, but there's a reason for that. I am aware that dancing and I are, for the most part, mutually exclusive. Therefore, I would not be a good choice to join the DDR club. That's right, they're a CLUB. There were 6-8 social misfits - very computer savvy, no doubt - who were taking turns gyrating on this machine. If you're in need of a good laugh, I recommend that you check this out some time.
The problem with DDR (other than the concept of the game itself) is similar to the problem with Nintendo's Power-Pad game, World Class Track Meet: you can excel at the game without being any good at the real-world activity that it is simulating. For the Power-Pad, as you may remember, you could actually step OFF of the mat and then back on instead of doing a long jump. You "ran" faster on screen if you never actually lifted your feet off of the pad. The result is that I couldn't run, couldn't jump, and could win a gold medal every time. Likewise, DDR rewards stepping on the correct pads at the correct times, other things are ignored. Now, you could argue that rhythm, coordination, grace, and upper-body movement aren't that big of a deal, but I would tend to disagree.
These guys were remarkably good at the game, especially for being non-athletic types. They had obviously spent a lot of time practicing - one of the "dancers" recommended closing your eyes for increasingly long periods of time, forcing yourself to read ahead to the next arrows ("moves"), so that when a "turn" was required in a fast "song," he would be able to do it and not miss the subsequent "moves." The only problem here is that none of the guys could dance worth a crap. They can move their feet in sequence with the arrows that scroll by on a TV screen, but that's about it. It was like Forrest Gump running with a football, except with really bad results.
The worst thing, in my opinion, is that they were missing the most important part of dancing: the social part. Again, "dancer" and "Pat" are not words that belong in the same sentence (unless "comically painful" is also included in said sentence), but, near as I can tell, socialization is the whole point of dancing. 7th grade guys don't go to middle school dances because they LIKE to dance, they go because the LIKE girls! I went because I liked to play basketball, but that is beside the point; don't change the subject on me like that. At the end of the DDR Club meeting, these guys were going to, quite clearly, go back up to their rooms, log on to their computers, and start chatting with each other. That, to me, is pretty sad.
If you're going to gyrate around like an idiot, you should at least get some social benefit out of it. Or hold a guitar, or something.
Posted by Pat at 11:47 AM | Comments (11)
February 04, 2004
Love Me For the Money
A continuation on the Super Bowl thing (since it appears that it's not going away for some time)...
The great truth about the United States is that we vote with our pocketbooks. It is an annoying truth, too, but that's how it works. I remember when, as a young child, my mom refused to take us to Target (or was it K-Mart?) because they sponsored filth on TV. It took a couple of years, but, sure enough, they eventually backed off. In the same way, nothing is going to change regarding standards of conduct on TV unless there is a financial backlash.
AOL, MTV, CBS, and other associated organizations are all throwing a fit/doing damage control, but the fact remains that they got WAY more publicity than they bargained on, and that's never bad. So, if you are legitimately concerned about this, what should you do? For starters, don't watch the Grammy's tonight. Then you may consider canceling your AOL subscription and getting MTV blocked from your house (if you get it in the first place). Letter writing campaigns are all well and good, but unless there's some teeth, the most you'll accomplish with that is getting a polite form-response. If you are going to write letters, write to Pepsi, Budweiser, and the other major advertisers and tell them how disgusted you are. They had nothing to do with the halftime, but they are not about to risk their financial necks. Plus, they're hacked that no one is talking about their commercials. If they threaten CBS, that will be a catalyst for change.
What else? Stop buying Janet and Justin records (and Nelly, and Kid Rock, and P Diddy, whilst you're at it). Let their labels know that you're doing so. Don't go to concerts. Find out who regularly advertises on CBS during their normal programming, and write them to tell them you're considering no longer buying their products. Finally, if you really want to make a difference, next year, turn off your TV. Hang out with your family and friends, play a board game, eat some food, and leave the TV off.
Extreme? Yes. But maybe it's time for us to start putting our money where our mouths are.
Posted by Pat at 01:31 PM | Comments (6)
February 03, 2004
Top THIS, World Series!
So MTV produced an event that was shocking, raunchy, and offensive? And people are SURPRISED by this? Let's be honest, here: it's not like the Britney/Madonna kiss was a one-time fluke occurrence. What else have we learned since Sunday? Janet Jackson uses sex for publicity whenever she has a record coming out? Except she's been doing that since she ran out of talent some time in the late 80's. Justin Timberlake is an oaf? Nope, nothing new there. Oh, I know! We've lost control of the public airwaves and are becoming a bunch of cultural degenerates! Nah, I think I've heard that somewhere before, too.
I'm actually not so concerned about proliferation of filth, this time. Fresh on the heels of fining Clear Channel over $750,000 for radio smut and lobbying Congress for the ability to give greater fines, Michael Powell and the FCC are promising a full investigation of the Super Bowl debacle. It is possible that they could choose to fine CBS $27,500 PER STATION that the halftime show was aired on. That totals out to be somewhere between a lot and a whole boatload. It has been to watch CBS, MTV, Timberlake, Jackson, and the NFL all try to cover themselves and do damage control. Personally, I didn't watch the halftime event, but I would suspect that, given all of the PR gyrations that are taking place right now, the fallout is lot more entertaining than the show itself. It is also somewhat reassuring to know that, given the public reaction, nothing like this is going to happen again for a long, long time.
In all the chaos, though, everyone has forgotten about the most ironic story of them all. Remember the original sordid halftime event that was planned for this year? That's right, the Lingerie Bowl. Numerous households paid the $19.95 pay-per-view charges and tuned in to a show that was, by all accounts I've read, not worth the money. In doing so, they changed the channel and missed all the real action that was taking place for free on CBS. That, my friends, is poetic justice. To those of you who paid money for this, I want to say shame on you, and also, (in my best Nelson voice), ha-ha!
Posted by Pat at 07:56 AM | Comments (5)
February 02, 2004
Public Service at its Finest
A California Assemblyman has introduced legislation to change building codes to accommodate Feng Shui. No, I am not making this up. Politician and goofball Leland Yee wants to encourage builders to be more accommodating and culturally sensitive.
This may be all well and good for Assemblyman Yee, but I am offended. Has the fine representative not heard of the separation of church and state? How dare he try to use the government to foist his religious beliefs on others? I hope the people of California have the good sense to remove this fundamentalist zealot from office before he can force more of his intolerant, closed-minded views upon them.
Where's the ACLU when you need them?
Posted by Pat at 11:56 AM | Comments (0)