The Real Pat Blair

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December 27, 2003

Crickets...

Presumably because of my occasional musing on the subject, I have received a lot of questions about the topic of relationships, as in the guy-girl (not to be confused with guy-grill) kind: flirting, dating, courting, marriage, loathing, flatulence, divorce, etc. You know, the basic cycle. There were a lot of questions, and I don't remember all of the details and particulars, and I have to be honest here when I say that I am at least a bit befuddled as to why I am being asked these in the first place; it doesn't take much more than a cursory glance to see that I am not exactly the stuff that experts are made of. However, lack of knowledge or experience has never stopped me from forcing my opinion on people in the past, so I don't see any reason to change anything now. And this seems like a good enough time. Also, as an advanced warning, I'm tackling this from the perspective of a Christian, so if you have a different worldview, this may seem absolutely ridiculous. That's OK - it is your opinion and you are entitled to it, just so long as you realize that you're wrong.
Let me start out by alienating the vast majority of people and saying that dating is a waste of time, and, all in all, a pretty bad plan. By dating I mean a sort of casual "going out" with someone without a real purpose. As much as I hate to bow to trends and self-anointed gurus, I think that courting is the way to go. Don't misunderstand: the difference isn't one of semantics, it's one of purpose. There is a basic set of requirements that need to be met, in my opinion: the parties should be seriously considering marriage, and it should be in the very near future (to throw out a completely baseless absolute, let's say within a year, at most). If you're not there yet, then stop worrying about dating and, instead, enjoy being single. You only get to do it once, right?
Along those lines, a good rule of thumb is: don't freak. There's always concerns about the goober effect and whatnot, but there is an element of faith involved here. God will provide the right person at the right time, regardless of whether or not that fits with your plans. Some other things to keep in mind: consider relationships selflessly (apparently being selfish doesn't work to well). How will choosing to enter (or to not enter) a relationship affect the other things going on in your life? I'm assuming you have other things going on in your life - if not, we should probably tackle that one first. How will it affect other people in your life? How will it affect your allocation of time and resources? There is probably a lot more than this, which I am not remembering at all. That's OK, because there are plenty of resources out there.
Keep in mind that I am relying on more than my own completely unfounded opinions for this. This is kind of a combination of things I've accumulated over the years (decades?) from pastors, parents, and other people who tend to be older and wiser than I am. I've also read bits and pieces of Josh McDowell's books, and hated them thoroughly, which means that they're probably right on the money, so they tend to be a good source too.
Hopefully this helps provide some guidance for people. With any luck, it's even good guidance. I am going to be out of the office, both literally and figuratively, for the next week, give or take a few days, so, barring any catastrophic world events or funny stories, this is it for awhile. That's OK, I figure, given my history, this will generate enough discussion to keep everyone, myself included, involved via the comments for quite awhile. Thanks to everyone for reading and contributing - Merry Christmas and happy New Years!

***

Addendum: I was at a rehearsal dinner last night for a good friend of mine. I've known both he and his bride/wife (depending on when you read this) for about 10 years, now, and they've been dating for 6. Thus the whole marriage process was not really that big of a deal since I've seen it coming for about 4 years, and also because I have been living in a different state than they have for the last 4 or so (the state of complete sanity, ha-ha!). Anyway, last night, the groom closed with an analogy, which is funny because he is both a law student and a dork. But I digress.
He compared picking a spouse to picking a school (every analogy breaks down, mind you). He visited six different colleges, and spent a lot of time and effort researching them. But in the end, when people asked him why he chose the school he did, he says it's because he knew; it just felt right. He didn't mention that flunking out of marriage was a bigger deal than college, and also that college only lasts 4-8 years (depending on who you are), and that you can always transfer, but the analogy was a good one. At least I'm assuming so. I have no feelings, but, for the rest of you, that should be reassuring.

Posted by Pat at 09:54 AM | Comments (6)

December 23, 2003

Poll Position

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually you'll finally get it right"
In This Diary - The Ataris

For some reason these lyrics have popped into my head this morning as I am sitting at work... at my desk... with nothing to do... bored out of my mind... again... still. I'm not entirely sure why I'm being subjected to them. Maybe it's because I am at work when most of my friends are home on break. Perhaps it's because I am annoyed by having to go to bed before halftime of Monday Night Football, much less the end of the game, because I have to get up early to go work. It could be the responsibilities that I've assumed such as paying rent, utility bills, and insurance and maintenance for my car. Or maybe it's because, since my car is getting serviced, I drove to work today in a "loaner" car with a giant dealership logo plastered on both sides, and I feel ridiculous. Or, most likely, it's just that I am slowly going completely insane. That would explain why I am humming this absurd song. Allow me to digress for a moment about what this piece of art (read: poo) means to me.
It means nothing! There are three clichés - that don't really even rhyme - thrown together in a seemingly random order to achieve a generically inspiring (read: insipid) pop-punk ditty. Being grown up isn't all that appealing, but, if my memory hasn't completely failed in my old age, I seem to remember that growing up wasn't exactly a walk in the park, either. Maybe the geniuses in the Ataris didn't have those phases (read: middle school), but I think it's fairly safe to say that the rest of us don't recall them in a particularly fond manner. And, by the way, if "these" are the best days of your lives, guys, that means that once you've hit 25 it only gets worse. I hope you enjoy the next 2 weeks of moderate fame and success, because it's all downhill from here (Budweiser, the king of beers... HEY! I can write pop tunes, too - and mine even rhyme, some of the time).
Since I'm on a roll here, can someone define for me what it means to follow your heart? Does that mean we're supposed to convulse around 72 times per minute? And couldn't one make a case that Lee Malvo was just following his heart? It's the only thing that matters, right? Maybe the problem wasn't that he was following John Muhammad, after all. And how did the heart get the "elevated organ" status? I probably won't be following my pancreas any time soon, but I think that the colon might matter just as much. What's wrong with following your colon? Too many syllables, I guess. I think the Ataris should listen to more Matchbox Twenty, though: "Everybody's trusting in their heart like their heart don't lie." Grammar: -20. Accuracy: +57. Maybe if the Atari-boy-wonders would read more often - and spew mindless drivel less often - they would eventually finally get it right and stop being so redundant redundant.
What does this all mean? Absolutely nothing. That's OK, though, it takes less for some people to get a record contract, and no one reads this over break anyway.

Posted by Pat at 09:50 AM | Comments (10)

December 22, 2003

1.21 Jigawatts!

I'm not going to apologize for today's subject matter, though I will say, in my defense, that this is a topic that continues to be in the news. It's not like I'm trying really hard to keep bringing it up, it's just out there. And I can't help it if all of our political figures have potty mouths. With that said, I would like to point your attention to two particular snippets. The first, I wrote on December 16th; the second is taken from from an AP article reprinted in the Boston Globe, which appeared just 5 days later, on the 21st:

"California Representative Doug Ose (yes, even Californians think this is stupid) has introduced a bill making it clearly illegal to use 8 specific words on either television or radio... If nothing else, it should be a quality debate: I really do hope that someone is forced to read the text of the bill on the floor of the House or Senate - THAT would make for some quality C-Span..."

"Moments after praising his opponents in the Democratic presidential race as worthy running mates, Wesley Clark said, in no uncertain terms, how he would respond if they or anyone else criticized his patriotism or military record.
"I'll beat the s- out of them," Clark told a questioner as he walked through the crowd after a town hall meeting Saturday. "I hope that's not on television," he added.
It was, live, on C-SPAN."

I could do a social commentary about this, but, to quote the Barenaked Ladies, it's all been done before (for example, here and here and here, and many other places as well). I just wanted to point out that, with a surprising (and possibly eerie) degree of accuracy, I predicted the future. It just goes to show how much can be learned from paying attention to someone, even if they have come under particular scrutiny for addressing a particular topic way too much. This person, after all, may know what they are doing. This is why they pay me - er, this person - the big bucks: I am, once again, ahead of the curve.
Speaking of which, Georgetown University recently removed an individual protesting the Supreme Court's Lawrence v. Texas decision. Forcibly. From a "free speech" zone. Todd Olson, the University's interim veep of student affairs, justified the removal by saying that even though the group was in a free speech zone, "the messages this group was espousing were, in our view, grossly offensive and inflammatory and thus not protected in any case." This should sound vaguely familiar in several ways. Could it be that all speech is free, but some speech is freer than others? Furthermore, what feeble-minded bureaucrat decided to name the free-speech zone Red Square? Does irony know no bounds?
I wish I couldn't say that I told you so about this one, but the facts speak for themselves. As we head into the Holiday - excuse me, CHRISTMAS - season, be aware of what people are doing in the name of freedom, diversity, and tolerance.

Posted by Pat at 09:57 AM | Comments (1)

December 20, 2003

Leftovers VII

Second-Tier Candidates Continue to Fight
Rest of world yawns

Voters Could Be Swayed in 2004 Election
Which is amazing, given that we've now banned political speech. Otherwise this one would be from the "No Kidding?" files.

Dems to Seek Conn. Governor's Impeachment
So basically they're trying to overturn the results of an election, violate the will of the people, and waste vast sums of tax-payer money on an issue that may not even rise to the level of an impeachable offense instead of just censuring the Governor? Nope, I don't see any problems with moral authority on this one.

Dean: America Not Safer After Saddam's Capture
Yeah, but Iraq sure is. Don't you care about the Iraqis? Are you a racist, Howard?

Dean Defends War Stance, Dismisses Criticism
Lets play the association game: when reading this headline, what words come to mind? Stubborn, arrogant, ridiculous, ignorant, oblivious...

Bush Gets Boost From Saddam's Capture
From the "No Kidding?" files...

Musicians Strive to Politically Influence Fans
There's nothing I hate more than an uninformed musician using their soapbox to force their political opinions on people. Somebody should remind them that there's a reason that they're MUSICIANS and not POLITICIANS.

Cops Probe Fight Between Jack White, Jason Stollsteimer
Somebody should tell these guys that that there's a reason that they're musicians and not boxers.

France Pledges Gesture on Forgiving Debt
Yeah, I've got my own gesture for France.

Originality lacking in female pop stars
From the "No Kidding?" files...

Edwards Would Track Flu to Prevent Relapses
Finally! A presidential candidate that can see the big picture.

Two in China Sentenced to Life for Roles in Japanese Sex Party
Bill Clinton was not implicated in the proceedings.

Jesse Jackson Protests High School Drug Sweep
Yes, God forbid we bust students who bring drugs to school.

Fans Watch All-Day Showing of 'Rings' Trilogy
A good day for the Lord of the Rings AND the Lord of the Hemorrhoids.

'Captured Saddam' doll debuts
"Action figure available online less than 2 days after news of arrest." Capitalism works.

Students Prevent Knife Attack on Their Spanish Teacher
Feel good story of the week.

Clark: It's Time to Find Bin Laden
Personally, I think 10 months from now is time to find Bin Laden, and, quite frankly, I also think that my opinion currently carries more weight in the world right now than Wesley Clark's.

Albright: Bin Laden Comments Were 'Tongue-in-Cheek'
I guess it's alright that my response is 'boot-in-rear.'

Joey Buttafuoco Arrested for Insurance Fraud
All together, now: Buuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh... ta-fuoco, Butt-a-fuoco, Butt-a-fuoco, fuoco, fuoco....

P. Diddy to Make His Broadway Debut
Another sign of the apocalypse.

Rapper Performs for Kids While Awaiting Trial
"And here's my new single, 'Krappy Roll Modull.'"

'It Is as It Was' - Mel Gibson's "The Passion" gets a thumbs-up from the pope.
I don't know if this endorsement is good, bad, or meaningless, or just interesting. It is what it is.

Quote of the week, from Ahmed Hissein, who lost an eye and an ear under torture courtesy of Saddam Hussein - "Death would not be enough. We should put Saddam in a cage on a main street, and everyone should have two or three hours to do what they want to him."

Driver's Test Taker Crashes Into DMV
Someone call AARP and tell them that, even if old people don't have to take driving tests, irony tests should be a requirement.

Town Says 'No' to Nativity Scene, 'Yes' to Menorah
God bless the secular humanists.

New Jobless Claims Down Sharply
Job market better, but far from healed
Maybe you're right, there is no media bias after all.

Court: Gitmo Detainees Should Have Lawyers
Pat: Gitmo Detainees Should Have My Boot in Their Rear

Turkey Arrests Al Qaeda Bombing Suspect
Terrorists Given the Bird

Dean, Kerry Want Clinton to Broker Mideast Peace
Because he did such a great job at it for the first 8 years that he tried. There's no unrest, no suicide bombings, no terrorists flying planes into buildings... (Winner of the "Style Over Substance" award)

Lawmakers Take Credit Even When It's Not Due
From the "No Kidding?" files...

9/11 Panel Head Says Can't Blame Bush, Clinton
In that case, lets just blame the French and call it good.

Kerry Loans Campaign $850,000
It's nice to see that someone still has faith in him.

Clay Aiken Named 'Best-Mannered' Person
I haven't seen the 'Worst-Mannered' winners yet, but I'm sure that, once again, Pat Blair will not be included on the list... scandalous!

Mass circumcision to bring races closer?
Oh... my.

Wal-Mart Sells Songs for 88 Cents
Is there still any doubt that Wal-Mart is good for America?

U.S. court nixes Net music subpoenas
Court: Kazaa Not Liable for Copyright Breaches
Good news! You can now resume downloading without fear of absurd search demands from the RIAA. Just remember: illegal subpoenas are wrong, but so is stealing.

Officials: WMD chief may quit
Screw that, let's fire him - this guy hasn't found squat. Talk about not meeting performance objectives!

Courts without law
I am, once again, ahead of the curve (8 days).

In Iowa, Gay Marriage Illegal, Divorce OK

Of course, this is the state where Interstate speed-limits are still 65mph, so logic isn't really an expectation anymore.

Campaign Commercials Begin to Sound the Same
It's the sound of hopelessness.

Boston Will Re-Import Drugs From Canada
Say what you will, it's a better choice than Columbia.

Britney's Little Sis Nabs Show
T-minus 15 minutes and counting.

Ventura Portrait Leaves Viewers Guessing
Much like the Ventura Governorship.

Jennifer Aniston Has Best Celebrity Hair
Once again, Pat Blair is not included on the list... scandalous!

FCC OKs News Corp. Purchase of DirecTV
Ha-ha! Now Rupert Murdoch's secret plan to take over the world is nearly complete! Soon, FoxNews will be everywhere! Yes! Oh, wait, that was supposed to be a secret. Everyone who isn't part of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, please forget that I said anything.

Finally... I should have started this a long time ago, but today marks the beginning of the "9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals Idiocy Watch." For those of you who don't know, this group of judicial activists, based in San Francisco, has probably the worst overall record of being overturned by the Supreme Court. These are the legal geniuses who decided that it was unconstitutional to have the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, and that the 2nd Amendment doesn't actually give citizens the right to own guns. One could go one for quite a while detailing all of the absurdities that come from the 9th Circuit bench, but I'll just back-date to the beginning of December, and I'll only point out the big ones, otherwise I may be forced to publish a quarterly novel.

Federal appeals court overturns part of key 1996 anti-terrorism law
9th Circuit Idiocy Watch - Part I

Court: Gitmo suspects need lawyers
9th Circuit Idiocy Watch - Part II

Posted by Pat at 05:42 PM | Comments (1)

December 19, 2003

I Am Doll Parts

Every once and awhile I see something that really tickles my fancy, and recently, has been dolls (pause for laughter and merciless mockery). These aren't just any dolls, mind you. They are George W. Bush and Ann Coulter dolls. The advertisements for these have been running on both foxnews.com and washingtontimes.com, and they never fail to crack me up. I would have to say that, together, the might make the perfect Conservative Christmas Combo gift. I don't particularly want these, mind you, so no there's no need to get dolls for Pat's stocking stuffers, I just wanted to share the joy that is absurd marketing campaigns:

Merry Christmas!

Posted by Pat at 10:49 AM | Comments (10)

December 18, 2003

STOP! In the Name of Tolerance

French President (and Cheese-Eating Surrender-Monkey) Jacques Chirac is trying to pass a law that bans head-scarves in public school. Also, something many of these articles fail to mention is that the plan would also ban Jewish yarmulkes, or skull caps. I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist, here, but shouldn't the Jews at least get some billing along with the Muslims, even if it's not the top one? Regardless, it's nice to know that, in addition to undermining our efforts to make the world more peaceful (by SUPPLYING WEAPONS to a TYRANT, who uses them to KILL AMERICANS!!!), they are also concerned with ruining any aspect of religious liberty or free thought in their own country.
Look, I hated the French long before it was cool, but I don't see the current trend as any reason for me to stop, ESPECIALLY if they're going to continue to behave this way. These people banned the word "hamburger" so it wouldn't corrupt their "culture." They talk of international consensus, but they banned the ever-so-universal term "e-mail." If you need to be so protective, maybe it means that you actually have no culture in the first place, just a big case of "Florida Envy." Their economy is in a persistent state of disaster. They are unable to offer up any sort of national defense. They are Godless, smelly, arrogant elitists, and they need to do some serious study of character, courtesy of Neil Cavuto.
The most mind-boggling thing about this all is not the fact that the French are being ridiculous; that's par for the course. What is amazing is the logic laid forth by the Jacques-hole: "Secularism is one of the great successes of the Republic. It is a crucial element of social peace and national cohesion. We cannot let it weaken." The BBC provides more of Chirac's address:
"...the principle of secularism goes to the very heart of our conscience. It concerns our national cohesion, our ability to live together, our ability to unite on what is essential... (It) is a pillar of our constitution. It expresses our wish to live together in respect, dialogue and tolerance. Secularism guarantees the freedom of conscience. It protects the freedom to believe or not to believe...
Generally speaking, I think it would be a good idea for a secularism code to bring together all principles and rules relating to secularism. This code will, for example, be handed over to all state or public sector employees the day when they take up their service.
Moreover, the prime minister will set up, under his tutelage, a secularism monitoring body whose task would be to alert the French and the authorities to the risks of abuses or infringements of this essential principle..."
This is utter drivel, to a level that is frightening. Does Chirac even know what he's talking about? What makes France great? Well, not much, and maybe that's the problem, but what about God, culture, freedom and liberty, cooking, or their hard-working citizens? Granted, most of those are false, but they certainly make more sense than claiming secularism, a.k.a. secular humanism. That's kind of like claiming relativism as an absolute truth. Furthermore - and this is the really, truly frightening part - followers of secular humanism admit that it is a religion. So the President of France, God bless him, is preaching religious intolerance under the guise of inclusiveness, and he is foisting a religion on his people under the banner of freedom of/from religion. He is doing all of this with a straight face, and the media is following suit in its reporting.
I have grown, I guess, to expect such silliness of the elite international buffoonery - I mean community - and elite media, but what really scares me is that I know we can't be all that far away from this here in the US. In fact, I think I can hear the ACLU planning already... something about banning Bibles in the name of being inclusive and tolerant... nah, it couldn't be.

Posted by Pat at 10:31 AM | Comments (7)

December 17, 2003

Soul of Wit

Creep: Jim McDermott thinks Saddam's capture was politically timed. For what, Jim? The big election that's coming up on Christmas? Mr. McDermott should spend less time defending tyrants and more time reading Mr. Twain: "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Creepy: Has anyone else noticed how much Clay Aiken sounds like the short, fat, geeky, glasses guy from the Barenaked Ladies? Check out the clips... yikes.

Posted by Pat at 09:24 AM | Comments (7)

December 16, 2003

Why Won't My Horse Move?

I was watching an old episode of South Park the other night. By old, I mean that it first aired on June 20, 2001. In this particular episode, entitled "It Hits the Fan," citizens of the world decide that, after the "s" word is used on the TV show Cop Drama, that word is now acceptable for regular usage. Hi-jinks ensue. I was particularly struck by the following scene, where teachers at school are explaining to their students the acceptable uses of the word:

"4th Grade Teacher: Alright, children, in lieu of the common usage, I'm supposed to clarify the school's position on the word, "s-"... You can only use it in the non-literal sense. For instance, [turns and writes on the board] "That's a s-ty picture of me." is now fine. However, the literal noun form of [writes] "This is a picture of s-." is still naughty. [crosses out the sentence] The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example: [writes] "The weather outside is s-ty." However, the literal adjective is NOT appropriate. For example: [writes] "My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet bowl s-ty, and I had to clean it with a rag, which then also became s-ty." [crosses it out] That's right out!
Student: [raises his hand] ...can we say it in the expletive? Like, "Oh, s-," or, "s- on a shingle"?
Teacher: Yes, that's now fine.
. . .
Kindergarten Teacher: And so, children, instead of saying "Hand in your papers," I may now say "Hand in your s-." Any questions?
Student: What about, "I have to take a s-"?
Teacher: NO! NO! You can say "I have to poop and s-," or "Oh, s-, I have to poop," but NOT "I have to s-." Are we all clear?
Kindergartners: No.
Teacher: Look, it's all about context..."

This, you see, is funny. The reason it is funny is because it is ridiculous and absurd, right? Well, it was supposed to be. The following is from the FCC ruling on Bono's use of the "f" word in prime time television, which I have already discussed - feel free to follow the links back as far as you want - ad nauseam:

"The material aired... does not describe or depict sexual and excretory activities and organs. The word ``f-ing'' may be crude and offensive, but, in the context presented here, did not describe sexual or excretory organs or activities. Rather, the performer used the word ``f-ing'' as an adjective or expletive to emphasize an exclamation. Indeed... language used as an insult rather than as a description of sexual or excretory activity or organs is not within the scope of the Commission's prohibition of indecent program content...
The use of specific words, including expletives or other ``four letter words'' does not render material obscene. Moreover, the complained-of material does not depict or describe sexual conduct and thus does not meet the obscenity standard under Miller v. California."

Both the South Park episode and the FCC use the actual words, I cleaned them up for this post out of a sense of obligation to be at least somewhat decent. The FCC report was published on October 3, 2003, over 2 full years after the episode of South Park. Does anybody else see how bizarre this is? Shouldn't we be worried when our government agencies are imitating intentionally silly authority figures on a cartoon TV show? The only parallel I can come up with would be if DEA agents started acting like Shaggy and Scooby.
Fortunately, somebody else agrees with me, and it's somebody with a bit more influence (not to mitigate the importance of my blog, of course). California Representative Doug Ose (yes, even Californians think this is stupid) has introduced a bill making it clearly illegal to use 8 specific words on either television or radio. I read the text of the bill and I think it deserves a myriad of awards: shortest, most vulgar, funniest, and, last but certainly not least, most commonsensical piece of legislation ever. Those worried that they will no longer be allowed to curse on the public airwaves shouldn't lose heart, though. I'm sure that those who are trying to outlaw political speech will see this as a clear violation of the First Amendment. If nothing else, it should be a quality debate: I really do hope that someone is forced to read the text of the bill on the floor of the House or Senate - THAT would make for some quality C-Span (and quality irony, too, since, if the bill passes, it would be illegal to read it on TV).
I realize that, for most of you, this particular horse died several thousand words ago, and I'm sorry, but, whether or not it is, this SHOULD be important to you. My goal is not to be the Great American Mommy, running around with a bar of soap in hand, prepared to wash out the mouths of citizens (though that is a comical mental picture). My concern is that not only will things like this lead to a general coarsening of our culture, it will also lead to a general dumbing down. We're becoming a bunch of unintelligent, inarticulate vulgarians.
In his obituary of Bob Bartley, David Asman relates the following story. I don't think I can say it better than this:

"This may be a minor point, but for some reason it stands out in my mind. The only time I ever heard Bob Bartley curse was the day I told him I was leaving my post as op-ed editor to become a Fox News anchor. "S-!" Bob said, turning his head away from me. What shocked me most was not what he said, but my realization that I'd never heard it from him in 14 years of almost daily contact.
Bob didn't have to curse for emphasis. He could make enemies wince with nothing more than the facts and a pincer-like construction of those facts on paper. He would box his arguments so completely that no one could back out of them without tripping over them."

Posted by Pat at 09:46 AM | Comments (14)

December 15, 2003

Men Be Stupider

If you came here today expecting a missive on the capture of Saddam Hussein, you are going to be disappointed. Sure, it's huge news, and it's what everyone is talking about, but no one comes here to read what "everyone else" is talking about: that would be boring. And this blog is nothing else, it's not boring. Arrogant, long-winded, snotty, self-righteous, and obnoxious, perhaps, but certainly not boring. So what new and exciting topic am I going to expound upon today? Men and women.
As mentioned in Saturday's Leftovers, a Canadian study recently found that (gasp!) beautiful women make men stupid, eh. There's a real shocker, don'cha know? The key part of this study, in my opinion, is that it was done in Canada, which means that I can make fun of it without having to worry about my tax dollars being spent on such silliness.
Anyway, a couple of alleged Psychology professors conducted this study by sitting in strip clubs and watching men behave like buffoons. Actually, that's not true at all, I made it up. What these professors really did was show men pictures of attractive women, which they took from the website "Hot or Not?" This, I did not make up. You tell me which scenario is more legitimate. I'll be over here while you finish the coin toss. Regardless of the methodology (or just overall general silliness) of the study, the results do seem to make sense. How else do you explain David Guest and Liza Minelli? On second thought, this doesn't really apply to them, but still, aren't these findings a gen(d)erally accepted truth?
There are countless jokes - all in poor taste - about the inability of men to think correctly when interacting with the fairer sex. You know what? They're funny because they're true. Nearly every bad TV or movie comedy ever made has one scene where the protagonist (geeky male) attempts to converse with the... antagonist, I guess (superfly female), and is unable to even speak his own name. And, because they have witnessed/participated in a similar situation, everyone will generally laugh (I tend to sob uncontrollably, but that is beside the point). Everyone has seen an intelligent, articulate guy turn into a complete goober when faced with a conversation with an attractive woman. It's like... you know... really... bad.
A more interesting tidbit about the Stupid Study is that the two professors who did it just happen to be married. Part of me kind of wonders if the whole thing is an ego trip on the part of the guy's wife. "Honey, you're so stupid sometimes." "No I'm not... I mean, I am... er, well... I mean, sometimes, but... oh, forget it." So this large, expensive study was conducted, and the results were that women are smarter than men, and no one is surprised by this in the least.
What this study does tell us, however, is that the fundamentalists have been right all along: men and women are different (again, something you shouldn't need a study to prove, but there are people that will argue this until they are blue in the face, which is actually quite funny to watch for a myriad of reason, up to and including the fact that there are very clear biological differences obvious to any 3-year-old, and also that the person you're arguing with has a blue face, and, perhaps, start speaking in absurdly long run-on sentences). It's not a matter of one gender being superior to the other (as this study indicates); it's just that we're different. Which is good. Because it would be no good if I had to marry someone who got dumber whenever they looked at me...

Posted by at 10:19 AM | Comments (22)

December 14, 2003

Merry Christmas

Quotes of the week:
-L. Paul Bremer, U.S. administrator in Iraq: "Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. The tyrant is a prisoner."
-Jim Engebretson, a good friend of mine: "You had better not kick a tiger in the a- unless you have a plan for dealing with his teeth."

I would also like to note that (although I have no proof of this) during a discussion on this at church this morning, I commented that this was even more bad news for George W. Bush's political opponents. "What's good for America is bad for the Democrats." Once again, I am ahead of the curve, because that very sentiment is echoed this morning by Rush Limbaugh, who adds, "Prominent National Democrats on Suicide Watch."
It is indeed a good day for America. To our troops in Iraq, the people of Iraq, the people of the United States, the people of the world, I would like to say: Merry Christmas.

Posted by at 01:42 PM | Comments (1)

December 13, 2003

Leftovers VI

Starting with a true leftover:
School Board Won't Apologize to Boy Who Said Mom Is Gay
You have to give them credit for sticking to their guns, I guess. The ACLU is threatening to sue, Marcus' mom is upset, and Marcus just wants someone to teach him how to throw a baseball. Nothing ever changes.

Few Options Available for Treating Flu
Other than 7-Up and Chicken Noodle Soup.

Pardon His French
"John Kerry not only is haughty and French-looking but also swears like a sailor." I am, once again, ahead of the curve - this time by a full 3 hours!

Controversy Surrounds College Bowl Rankings
By over a full month, I am, once again, ahead of the curve.

Redford Calls Bush Energy Bill a 'Disgrace'
Yeah, well, you should hear what Bush said about The Last Castle.

Farm Boy Carrying Torch for Paris Hilton
Watch out for that hay-bale!

Ozzy Osbourne seriously injured in ATV accident
Looks like he picked a bad week to quit popping pills.

Report: Ozzy Stopped Breathing
"The doctors are hoping there hasn't been any lasting damage," says Sharon Osbourne. My question: if there has been, will anyone be able to notice the difference?

Political 'Meet-Ups' Double as Singles Events
Howard Dean may not be Presidential material, but at least he has a future in match-making.

George Clinton Arrested for Drug Possession
Didn't see this one coming. But, just for fun, here's his funkadelic mug shot.

Secret Service Warns Eminem Over Lyrics
Well, it's official: Eminem has now offended/annoyed absolutely everyone.

Oprah Not Headed Back to 'Late Show'
This article is not news.

Gore Endorses Dean for President
The kiss of death.

Rep. Rangel Endorses Clark
Now THERE'S an endorsement that will provide some momentum!

Clark Won't Rule Out Hillary as Running Mate
Fair enough, I'll do it, then: Hillary won't be Clark's running mate.

Survey: Kiwis top world Web usage
Now THERE'S a trendsetting fruit, by golly.

Richard Gere Goes on Mideast Tour
I bet the ticket sales for this (along with opening act Who Cares?) are right through the roof.

Is Wal-Mart Good for America?
Only if America likes to purchase quality goods at discount prices, which leads to more manufacturing and more jobs. A better question may be, is the New York Times good for America?

ATF Director to Head Music Industry's Anti-Piracy Efforts
Better delete those mp3's before they go all Waco on you.

Majority OK With Public Nativity Scenes
Majority Not Oversensitive Whiners

U.S. Allies Threaten Retaliation for Iraq Bid Snub
Oh, bring it on you traitorous cowards. You saw what happened the last two times someone tried to screw with us. You all did everything you could to stop this (France, you're on "the" list for a long time - you sold Iraq missiles, and, I think, deserve to be invaded again, just so you remember your place: loser), and now you want to benefit? Fine. We'll ro-sham-bo you for it.

Bobby Brown Charged With Battery
Energizer: Gives a Lickin', Keeps on Tickin'.

No Charges Against Christian Slater's Wife in Brawl
I wonder how Bobby Brown feels about this.

Gwyneth, Martin Wed in Secret Ceremony
Sigh (crosses another name of the list of attractive, independently wealthy women to fund career in rock-stardom).

Psychiatrist: Teen Sniper Suspect Legally Insane
From the "No Kidding?" files... but the question is, should it even matter?

Nixon on Reagan: He's Not Pleasant to Be Around
Nixon, however, was just downright charming.

Egg Prices Hit Records Thanks to Low-Carb Diets
The news didn't go over easy, but, on the sunny side of things, manufacturers have scrambled to find new cost cutting methods.

Video Game to Lose Dialogue About Haitians
Of all the things in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, this was what was deemed offensive enough to remove. I'm sure there's a social commentary in here somewhere.

IN MEMORIAM - Robert L. Bartley: The Wall Street Journal's editor emeritus dies at 66
Thus ends tangible proof that anything worthwhile has come out of Iowa State's journalism department.

Freedom's Best Friend
Though, on a more serious note, I wouldn't mind having an obituary that read something like this.

Embattled singer R. Kelly wins big at music awards
If it weren't for all of those videos of him having sex with children, his career would be in great shape!

Seacrest to replace Kasem on 'AT40'
Another sign of the apocalypse.

Holly, Jolly, Maddening Music
I'd just like to take this opportunity to say, "Ditto." Speaking of which...

Taking 'Christmas' Out of Holiday Jingles
I suppose it was only a matter of time. Speaking of which...

Religion leads to a merrier Christmas
From the "No Kidding?" files...

Dressing for Success at the Office Holiday Fest
I'll keep this in mind when I attend my office Christmas Party... on January 24.

Spam soars in holiday season
Well, it's an improvement over fruitcakes, anyway.

Abercrombie & Fitch finally takes the "X" out of "Xmas."
Capitalism Works.

Gov't Revises Data, Posts Negative GDP for Q3 of 2000
Wait, could this mean that (gasp!) the recession wasn't Bush's fault???

Bryant's Attorneys Accuse Prosecutors Of Racism
Didn't take them long to play this card. In related news...

Jermaine: Jacko Was Mistreated in Police Custody
I'm willing to bet it was nothing like what happened to the children in Michael's custody.

Parents vow to adopt Jackson kids
There's a great idea. Michael turned out so well. I'm a firm believer in second chances, but does it seem to anyone else that, for MJ's kids, this would be a case of getting out of the frying pan and into the fire?

Jacko's parents: He loves children
And therein lies the problem.

Recording Academy Honors Daryl Hall, John Oates as Heroes
It's about time! (Heroes, eh? I wonder if this puts them in the same league as police, firemen, and members of the armed services?).

Canada Gets New PM as Jean Chretien Steps Down
Awww... (sheds single tear). I've already selected some music for his going away party.

Competency Hearings Set for Smart Kidnap Pair
If they're so intelligent, why do we need a competency hearing?

Fla. Jury Sides With RJR, Brown & Williamson in Smoker Suit
To paraphrase Dennis Leary: "These things are bad for me?!?! Man, I thought they were good for me; I thought they had vitamin C and stuff." Right. The jury found that there was "ample evidence" that the smoker was aware of the health risks, but HE CHOSE to smoke. All I have to say about this is: IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!

No More Body Parts at Home, Man Tells City
That's very considerate of him (read: huh?!?). To continue in that vein...

Phone Text Message Costs Man His Penis
The extra charges that these cell phone companies keep adding on are just ridiculous!

Town Mayor Embarrassed by Nude Picture
That seems to be an appropriate reaction.

William H. Macy nervous about nude scene
Pat Blair nervous about William H. Macy nude scene (both of which seem to be appropriate reactions)

Iowa Judge Approves Gay Divorce
It was only a matter of time...

Miscalculations Lead to Flu Vaccine Shortage
Blatant stupidity, however, lead to the vaccine being for the wrong strain of the flu.

Health Officials: Don't 'Panic' Over Flu
REMAIN CALM! ALL IS WELL!!!

Depp Named Entertainer of the Year
Once again, Pat Blair is not included on the list... scandalous!

Judge Postpones Love's Hearing
Accused of Being Nothing More Than Lust

Researchers find 'drunk gene' in worms
Throw giant kegger in celebration

OPEC wants aid if world shifts to renewable energies
I can't decide if I should be amused or angry, but I will wager that they're not garnering much sympathy on this one.

Religious upsurge brings culture clash to college campuses
Wait, you mean these liberals aren't so "tolerant" and "inclusive" after all?

Reliability of the New York Times
On airplane flight: "Taking note of this dismal effort (on October 7, 1903), the New York Times editorialized that it would take one million to 10 million years for man to develop an airplane." 71 days later, on December 17th, the Wright brothers launched their first successful flight at Kitty Hawk. Just goes to show how little has changed over the last 100 years. Now if someone would just tell Justice O'Connor about this...

Study: Beautiful women make men stupid
They needed to do a study to figure this out? A fascinating article, nonetheless. Look for more on this next week.

Posted by at 05:29 PM | Comments (4)

December 12, 2003

All I Want is a Couple Days Off

James 4:2 - You do not have, because you do not ask God.

The weather in Iowa - most of the Midwest, really - was terrible on Tuesday. It rained all day long, at least until about 2:00 when the rain turned into snow and the streets turned into a mess. The weather forecasters were predicting disaster, as is their custom, along with snow, ice, and the possibility of locusts. Schools were letting out early and canceling evening activities, and people were driving like morons. All in all, it seemed to be the typical introduction to the typical Iowa snowstorm.
The word on the street (OK, the internet - same thing) was that Des Moines, where I work, would get anywhere from 4 to 8 inches of snow (this is on top of the sheet of ice already on the ground) and that Ames, where I live, would get even more. People were beginning to buzz about the possibility of the office closing on Wednesday, and I was stoked. After all, the city of Ames, in spite of their rigorous enforcement of sidewalk-shoveling laws, is notorious for not cleaning their streets (this is Friday, and they are still covered with snow from Tuesday night), so I figured that I was as good as gold... white gold! (OK, that was terrible, I apologize). My drive home from work confirmed my suspicions/hopes: the roads were horrific.
I had the honor of saying grace before dinner on Tuesday night (read: I was hungrier than my roommates and thus was the person who started praying first), and it struck me as a good idea to, as they say, seal the deal.
So I that there would be lots of ice, lots of snow, and that the roads would be terrible. I also prayed that everyone who needed to travel would be safe. I'm not a monster. I just really wanted the day off of work. And what's so wrong about that? I was even willing to take a "personal day" if the roads were bad but they left the office open. And, what with the heavy snow and possibility of locusts, I figured I had a pretty good chance, especially with God on my side...

James 5:16 - The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

I guess it's nice to know where you stand. The snow stopped falling at roughly the same time I said, "Amen," and it never started again. The first thing that I did Thursday morning was look out the window (this was done, arguably, before I even woke up). It was painfully clear that no more snow had come down during the night, and my hopes of getting the day off were nearly destroyed.
But not completely. I still checked the KCCI website for closings as I called my offices "Bad Weather Hotline" (which, I might add, is nothing like an S&M Weather Channel). As the recorded voice on the phone told me to stop being silly and get my posterior to work, I skimmed through the list of closings, just in case. It was an exercise in futility, but one thing did catch my eye. Ames Christian Schools were cancelled for the day. The decision had been made at 10:09pm on Wednesday night, obviously in anticipation of the terrible weather that never materialized.
Maybe it's not so nice to know where you stand. Obviously the Ames Christian students (read: turds), righteous little children (read: punks) that they are, had spent a lot of time in prayer, and God, in all of his omniscience, made a way for them to get the day off while still excluding me from the fun. I hate those little kids.

***

Incidentally, since this derailed so badly the first time that I tried it, I'm still taking Christmas suggestions.

Posted by at 08:56 AM | Comments (8)

December 11, 2003

Unbelievable

First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Supreme Court Upholds 'Soft Money' Limits... translation: as a private citizen, I am no longer allowed to purchase, with my own money, an advertisement for a particular candidate within 30 days of an election. Example: (Camera pans in on Pat standing in front of an American flag) "Hi, my name is Pat Blair. You may recognize me from my Blog. The reason that I bought this 30-second advertising spot on TV is to tell you about partial birth abortion. It is a horrible thing. Howard Dean supports it, George W Bush does not. Please consider this when you vote in the upcoming election. Thank you." (Camera pans out. End ad).
That is now illegal, thanks to a Congress that knows no shame and a Supreme Court that has forgotten that their duty is to uphold the Constitution, not dictate policy. Who knows, I may have to stop blogging about politics until after the Iowa Caucuses are over. Go back and read the First Amendment again. Do you see a problem? Our highly trained justices - the same ones that found, SOMEWHERE in the Constitution, the right to gay sex - couldn't find one. These are the people that are supposed to PROTECT our rights when the government tries to take them away!!! In the words of Justice Scalia: "Who could have imagined that the same Court which, within the past four years, has sternly disapproved of restrictions upon such inconsequential forms of expression as virtual child pornography... would smile with favor upon a law that cuts to the heart of what the First Amendment is meant to protect: the right to criticize the government."
I do my best to be an optimist, to have faith in the American people, but, I must admit that, today, I am having great difficulty. The amount of freedom that has just been stolen, in plain sight, is sickening. This is one of the key foundations of our country, and the judicial and legislative branch have taken a jackhammer to it. Does this scare you beyond belief? Are you OK with the fact that yesterday our Constitution became as sacred as a piece of toilet paper? What's next? Religious speech? Right to protest? Right to own property? Are you scared yet? You should be.

Required reading/listening: Supreme Court Takes Knife to First Amendment. Regardless of any preconceived notions you may have, I have found no one else who better articulates this particular issue.

Posted by at 08:45 AM | Comments (18)

December 10, 2003

Two Front Teeth

Today we're taking a poll: what do I want for Christmas? Various relatives have been asking since Thanksgiving, and the only things that ever come to mind are, a) independent wealth (so I don't have to work), and b) a nap. I could always ask for books, but I'll probably never read them (buy 'em books and buy 'em books and all they do is eat the covers), and since they're building a library across the street from my office (right next door to the Starbucks - ain't life grand?), I don't really need to own any more books, a.k.a. things that are heavy when you have to move.
I'd much prefer to purchase my own CD's and DVD's, just because I'm anal like that, and it ensures that I end up getting the correct thing. Which means gift certificates, and I'm OK with that, but one really should only be allowed to spend a limited amount of money at Best Buy, lest one go completely crazy with Electronics Lust. I could use more guitar and music stuff, but most of that is WAAAAY out of price range, as is most computer stuff, and most of the other "toys" that I would ask for (like a Bentley). I could use some work clothes, but that's not very exciting.
I have reached a point in my life, I recently realized, where, if there is something I need, I buy it. If there's something I really want that is reasonably priced, I buy it. What does this mean? Well, yes, it does mean that I'm spoiled rotten, but it also means that it's difficult for me to come up with gift suggestions, and it's even more difficult to shop for me.
So, in spite of my better judgment, I leave this up to you, loyal blog-readers. What do I want for Christmas?

Posted by at 11:27 AM | Comments (10)

December 09, 2003

Go Sit in the Corner

It seems like everyone's a potty mouth these days. F(l)ailing Democratic President Wannabe John Kerry is drawing (very minimal) criticism for his use of the f-bomb in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine (the magazine formerly known as hip, trendsetting, and relevant). All I have to say about this is that I think John Kerry is a #&*$!
Seriously, why should I even try to sound intelligent anymore? I know I've spent a lot of time on language usage in the past week or so (see How Queer and Watch Your Mouth) and am in danger of sounding like a derailed broken record (mixed metaphor in a blog about the English language, +52), but this is ridiculous. I only took 6 credits of English in college, and even I can see that. It may be that we've become a bunch of inarticulate... you know, like, um, people, or it may be that our culture is just plain crass. Maybe it is a combination of the two. Regardless, may there be no doubt that I have had enough.
Does it shock/bother anyone to know that I have heard a certain word, which can be used in the contexts of either anger or urine, come from the pulpit of an Evangelical Church in the past several months? In BOTH CONTEXTS?? Does the name George Carlin ring a bell for anyone? He had a particular bit called "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television." Guess what? This word was on there. It's been used on TV for quite awhile now, as has its listmate that is slang for the female upper torso, but I was under the impression - apparently mistaken - that we hadn't quite stooped that far in church yet. It seems like there should be guidance on this issue somewhere, but perhaps I'm mistaken about that, as well. Of the remaining five words one used to never be able to say on television, the synonym for feces is, after it's usage on ER several years ago, is no longer uncommon in prime time (in fact, the current attitude is so passe that I couldn't even find a link to provide), and we all know what the FCC and Bono have to say about the "king" of dirty words.
Which brings us to Kerry's comments in Rolling Stone. My initial assessment upon reading the news yesterday morning was the same as James Taranto's: Kerry, in an effort to be everything to everyone, was probably trying to identify with "the kids" who read Rolling Stone by using an obscenity and appearing to be a bit anti-establishment. While I'm not going to give the quote here (it is beneath me, and it should be beneath Kerry), I will say that Kerry's apparent logic is as silly as the non-apology issued by his campaign: "John Kerry saw combat up close, and he doesn't mince words when it comes to politicians who put ideological recklessness ahead of American troops." This has nothing to do with any of that. I might be more forgiving if Kerry had been describing a combat situation, but this is just as absurd, and no one seems to care.
I don't mean to be a prude or a legalist here; keep in mind that this is all coming from someone who, by 2nd grade, could probably out-curse most construction workers. I'm just wondering at what point debates are going to degenerate into name calling that would but middleschoolers to shame. And then what, "Girls Gone Wild - Spring Break, Kucinich Style?" It simply seems to me that we should expect more from our society, like the ability to communicate without the use of coarse language. Maybe it's Clinton's fault, maybe societies, but such behavior is unstatesmanlike, and should be embarrassing to anyone associated with it. We should expect more from our society, but we should demand more from our leaders.

***

I'm going to take this opportunity to renege on earlier prediction: barring disaster, Dean has way too much momentum for anyone to stop - the nomination is his. I'm not wrong often, and I'll admit it even less, so cherish the moment.

Posted by at 12:01 PM | Comments (4)

December 08, 2003

I Want Your Salvation

As I walked into my office today at the ever-so-pleasant hour of 7am, I was greeted, much to my surprise/chagrin, by a man ringing a bell. I exchanged polite "good mornings" with him as I passed, but, down inside, I was rather unhappy to see him. Maybe perturbed is a better word. Or disgruntled. Nonetheless, it seems, in hindsight, to be a pretty strange reaction. What is up with that? (Seinfeld/Tim Borseth reference, +8). Well, a myriad of things, I think.
For starters, the fact that it is officially Christmas season really hasn't set in for me, in spite of the fact that we're over a week into December. Maybe, as a reminder, I should go shopping more often. Then again, maybe not. The next problem is that, while I expect to be assaulted when I go to the mall or grocery store, I was simply not prepared to have a Salvation Army bell-ringer standing in my office. The fact that he will probably be there for the next 17 days didn't sit well, either. To his credit, this gentleman was only dinging the bell softly, and only once about every 10 seconds or so. If he'd been clanging away I might have been forced to kill him and stick the bell completely up his left nostril. Harsh? Not at 7am.
Also to his credit, the bell ringer was not actually IN my office, he was standing halfway down the skywalk that runs between the parking garage and the office, which is, technically, public access space. On the other hand, the only people who would use that stretch of skywalk are people that are walking to my office, so maybe he doesn't get credit for that. It's kind of annoying in the same way that the people standing there passing out coffee coupons are annoying, or the way Jehovah's Witnesses are annoying (OK, not them, really, but it seemed like an opportune place to take a pot shot).
So why is it that I was so displeased by the presence of a bell ringer on my way into work? Were my bad feelings simply the result of the fact that it was Monday morning? Is it guilt? I don't think so, but who knows? Do I have repressed resentment against Salvation Army people for some reason? Am I upset because he placed himself in a 'public' area that, in reality, allowed him to exclusively target employees of my company? Or am I just a Scrooge? And, finally, why is it that even though both bands did incredible amounts of drugs and were incredibly successful, the Rolling Stones are still touring and making music, but Eddie Van Halen is sick, deaf, and insane?
No answers this Monday, just questions. Tomorrow: John Kerry says he wants to be our President, but talks like he wants to be a sailor.

Posted by at 10:41 AM | Comments (12)

December 06, 2003

Leftovers V

Citizens Trying to Help Manatees Get 'Intimate Encounter' Instead
There is a moral to this story, I'm just not sure what it is.

Congress Spending Money Like 'Drunken Sailor'
Breaking News!

Bush Lights National Christmas Tree
Flowers and Shrubbery Watch in Awe

FAO to File for Bankruptcy Again After Emerging in April
Signs that this just isn't going to be your year.

Former Enron Trader Charged With 10 New Counts
Horse Found - Was Bludgeoned to Death

Rumsfeld Meets With Two Afghan Warlords
Intimidates the turbans off of them.

Janklow Attorneys Aim to Blame Diabetes
Diabetes Pointing Finger at Pancreas.

White Marble Wins Man Election
You have GOT to be kidding me. Read this article. I can't decide whether I should laugh, cry, yell, or all 3. Unbelievable. Democracy at it's finest - or something - I guess.

Texas Escapees: Officer's Slaying 'Beyond Stupid'
Fair enough, how about a sentence that is 'Beyond Death?'

Celine Dion Cancels Vegas Shows
Rest of world yawns.

Mayo Assault Gets Woman 10 Years in Prison
She'll be sharing a cell with the Ketchup Killer and Celery Stalker - this could get messy.

Quote of the week, from my co-worker, Mike Ferry: "I firmly believe that if Karen Carpenter and Mama Cass had split that sandwich, they'd both still be alive today."

Ray Romano to Pen a Children's Book
As disturbing as this sounds, it can't be any worse than Madonna's.

Man Changes Name to Bubba Bubba Bubba
You might be a redneck if...

More Tattoo Wearers Having Second Thoughts
I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that I am, once again, ahead of the curve (by at least 5 years, this time).

Guys: Just how vain are you?
The Des Moines register ran an article on metrosexuals this week, complete with quiz. A sure sign that the trend is over. I am, once again, ahead of the curve (7 days).

Singer Ray Charles Recovering From Hip Surgery
I'm happy to report that Ray is now just as hip as he was 25 years ago; his Superfly Transplant was a success, as well!

Marilyn Manson Faces Swiss Criminal Probe
This sounds suspiciously like an episode of South Park.

U.S. Nabs 34 Guerrillas in Northern Iraq
This is clearly Bush propaganda: anyone with ANY intelligence knows that Gorillas are native to Africa, not ASIA. Sheesh.

'No Chance of Peace with Palestinians' says Israel's Deputy PM
What was your first clue - the suicide bombings of innocent civilians, or the daily rants from Palestinian leadership calling for the extinction of the Jewish race?

CDC report: US not ready for SARS
Acronym Attack!!!

Analysis: Ashcroft's obscenity crusade
He's touring the country giving everyone the finger and dropping the f-bomb in FCC unapproved ways.

George Harrison doctor fined for talking
Wow, that's harsh. Imagine what they would have done had he broken wind.

South Africa disrupts body part ring
I didn't read this article. I'm scared to even consider what it might be about.

Even a little tipple shrinks your brain
Disturbingly titled story on anatomy - Part II

Ex-Wrestler Almost Has a Lock on TV Role
This story is almost news.

ADHD focuses on adults
But only for about 30 seconds.

Olympic Bribery Defendants Want Case Tossed
From the "No Kidding?" files...

Conservatives want Reagan to replace FDR on U.S. dimes
Also from the "No Kidding?" files: "Support... is generally split by party.

Scott Peterson pleads innocent to murder charges
All together, now: Yeah. Right.

Rush: UN, Democrats Think Radio a Hate Crime
Though only by a few hours, I am, once again, ahead of the curve.

Bush Courts NASCAR Fans With Tribute to Drivers
It's good to see Bush going after all the NASCAR fans who think that the UN should have played a larger role in Iraq and are concerned that our actions might be seen as unilateral and imperialistic.

Productivity Growth Rate Best Since 1983
I wanted to point out that the economy is STILL recovering quite nicely, just in case you were still unsure after last week.

Neil's Annual Shopping Tips for Men
Speaking of the economy, I'll close with some wise words from my favorite financial reporter, and maybe favorite reporter overall. Guys, this is required reading.

Posted by at 10:48 AM | Comments (3)

December 05, 2003

Bowling for Soup... er, Coaches

Now that the dust has settled a bit, I'd like to do a head to head comparison on sorts. For those of you that don't care about football, or have not recently been in contact with planet Earth, Nebraska fired head coach Frank Solich last week, in spite of the fact that the Huskers finished the season 9-3 and are headed for a major bowl game. The conclusion reached (probably about 12 months ago) by athletic director Steve Pederson was that Nebraska was not staying competitive with its Big 12 rivals. He's probably right, but it still seems a bit harsh.
What is amazing to me, though, is that the Huskers (9-3) canned Solich while the Iowa State Cyclones (2-10) have bent over backwards to keep coach Dan McCarney around, in spite of everything he has done. So I did a little numbers comparison - pardon the bad formatting, but I think you'll understand.

Seasons Coached, Record, Winning Percentage-
Solich: 6, 58-19, .753
McCarney: 9, 38-67, .362

Bowl Records, Number of Bowls Reached-
Solich: 2-3, 6
McCarney: 1-2, 3

BCS Bowl Games-
Solich: 2
McCarney: 0

Big 12 Championships-
Solich: 1
McCarney: 0

To make things even more interesting, both coaches finished their 6th season with a 9-3 record. McCarney's 6-year winning percentage? .329. Now granted, this is not an entirely fair comparison: Solich inherited a national powerhouse and McCarney a national poophouse. Nonetheless, it has to be even more difficult for Frank to see that his Big 12 coaching buddy (who Frank has a 5-1 record against) is happily watching the recruiting scene instead of SportsCenter. Fear not, Frankie: I have a proposal!
Iowa State should fire (universally loathed) Athletic Director Bruce Van De Velde and promote McCarney to AD, a position for which he is much better suited. Then hire Solich to be head coach, let him bring along his entire staff (except Bo Pelini, future Husker head coach) if he so chooses. McCarney can still spearhead the recruiting, an area where he excels and Solich does not. Chances seem good that ISU's program will improve notably. If it doesn't, then they can give Solich the boot once he's properly earned his firing, and none of the involved parties will be any worse for wear. At the very least, it will make for a couple of years of really awkward relationships in the Big 12 North, which will probably be more entertaining than ISU's football team.

Posted by at 10:49 AM | Comments (2)

December 04, 2003

Watch Your Mouth

Guess what? Armed with only a Blog, I can now be convicted of a war crime. And, given that I've made comments about the Palestinian terror war on Israel, I guess I'm fair game. What am I talking about? More absurdity via international courts. The UN Tribunal on Rwanda convicted 3 men of war crimes due to the fact that they delivered hate speech on the radio. And people wonder why I think the UN should be disbanded, or at least summarily ignored.
Was the content aired by these men despicable? Certainly, but I hardly think it's fair to rule that they "caused the death of thousands of innocent civilians." They CAUSED the deaths? Hardly. The individuals that committed the act of murder caused the deaths. I don't think that should be a difficult line to draw in the sand.
Human Rights activists, are, of course, applauding the ruling, with the exception of a select few, who realize that it could be used by countries like China to crack down on dissidents. The rest of the activists, though, realize that the ruling can be used to crack down on anyone that they disagree with. Think that Mumia Abu_Jamal deserves his sentence? Amnesty International doesn't, and they probably think that you're a racist. Better not speak out, or they'll call you a racist and convict you have a war crime. Does this sound silly to you? Wait and see how long it is until they use it to go after Rush Limbaugh.
Sure, we have freedom of speech in THIS country (as long as it's politically correct, anyway - I wouldn't recommend trying to use the name of Jesus Christ in any manner, other than to curse, in a public forum), but this ruling establishes the all-important "International Law," which many people would gladly use to go after people they don't like. You think Kofi Anon - Secretary General of the UN, Proud Communist, and Anti-Semite - wouldn't be happy to let the International Circus go after Bush for the war crime of hate speech against Saddam, Al Qaeda, or Palestine? Think again: this is the organization that elected Libya, proud terrorist state, to chair their Human Rights Commission.
As hard as it is to take them seriously, the UN and cohorts still manage to really scare me sometimes.

Posted by at 10:26 AM | Comments (2)

December 03, 2003

I Am the Greatest

My good friend (and blog hoster) Matt had a bit yesterday about Q Magazine's article on the 1001 Best Songs Ever Recorded. As he indicated, this is largely a silly proposition since it is based entirely on opinion. In addition, this list was most certainly compiled by a group of people, and when that happens you get what I like to call a 'Rolling Stone Greatest Guitarist Debacle:' Jack White ranked 17, Eddie Van Halen ranked 70, Rolling Stone ranked foolish and irrelevant.
The biggest problem I have with these silly lists is that no one ever sets clear criteria for ranking. What is taken into consideration? Most influential, best selling, highest chart ranking, catchiest riff, most often ripped off... there are any number of factors, most of which are never considered, up to and including genre. Who here thinks it's a bad plan to have Destiny's Child, Nirvana, Eminem, and Oasis all on the same list? And how do you split hairs to determine that U2's "One" is, though just barely, a better song than Aretha Franklin's "I Say a Little Prayer," which, incidentally, is just slightly better than "Smells Like Teen Spirit?" Maybe if Aretha's guitar player had used a little more digital delay, she would have been #1. Who knows?
So, having concluded that these lists are thoroughly stupid, I am now going to do one of my own. I, however, being a Brilliant Blogger (wasn't he in a comic book with Spiderman at one point?), will avoid the pitfalls of all the other, far inferior lists. In no particular order, I present the 9 (hey, why not?) Greatest - Most Influential - ROCK Guitarists/Guitar Bands EVAR (I'm using L337, just to ensure that I'm taken seriously).

-Chuck Berry
-Jimi Hendrix
-Eric Clapton (Cream, Derek & the Dominoes)
-Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin)
-Stevie Ray Vaughan
-Eddie Van Halen
-The Edge (U2)
-Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine, Audioslave)
-Pat Blair

Feel free to argue ad nauseam; it'll be interesting, even though you're wrong.

Posted by at 11:24 AM | Comments (6)

December 02, 2003

How Queer

7-year old Marcus McLaurin recently was severely punished for using the "g-word" (no, not God, that's perfectly acceptable, you fanatical, closed-minded, fundamentalist zealot) at school. The only problem was, he was using the g-word to accurately describe his mother, who is, well, you know, an "l-word." Yikes. The walls of political correctness and hyper-sensitivity are beginning to crumble - problem is, they're falling on our heads, and we're too busy staring at our shoes to notice.
Yes, as the story from the internationally renowned Sydney Morning Herald says, poor Marcus was forced to write, over and over, "I will never use the word 'gay' in school again," because the teacher overheard him telling a friend that his mom was gay. Aside from the whole Marcus has two Mommies problem, which I'll choose to ignore for today's purposes, this seems to simply be yet another case of zero-tolerance rules getting out of hand. I think there's a bit more to it, though. I'll make some sweeping generalizations in order to point them out.
Marcus says, "My mom is gay." Who freaks out at the over-reaction/discrimination that happened to Marcus and his Mom(s) as a result of this comment? The politically correct left. But who would freak out if Marcus, or perhaps one of his classmates who happened to have been upset with their mother for enforcing some trivial rule, had said the same thing? The PC left, only this time they would be screaming about intolerance and homophobia, and probably calling for suspension/jailing for the child/parents.
Who can blame the teacher and principal for overreacting? The FCC has determined that it's sometimes OK to drop the f-bomb on national television, as long as said word ends with "uck" instead of "aggot." Use of the second will get you severely beaten by the cultural enlightenment club. I think this was simply a case of some bureaucrats that were trying to live up to the absurd standards set by the PC Circus, who instead got tripped up in their own regulations. It's kind of sad, but it's also kind of (read: incredibly) hysterical.
What's the moral of the story? Lest we severely limit the English language, and, in fact, force people to stop using perfectly acceptable words, we need to stop being so niggardly about what words can be said in what context; otherwise we'll end up with some rather queer misunderstandings. Well, I'm off go to burn some faggots... who's with me?

Posted by at 09:38 AM | Comments (6)

December 01, 2003

A Source is a Source, of Course, of Course

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later: I've come under attack for my choice of sources. Or, more accurately, source. And attack may not be the right word, either, but let's not digress into a discussion of semantics. This is an issue which I anticipated from about day 3 of my blogging career and which I expected to be raised much earlier, given the propensity that certain people have for looking down their noses at a particular source of news. What is said source? Fox News.
The problem that people have with Fox is that it tends to be more conservative than, say, the Clinton News Network, or any of the 3 major networks. Nobody had a problem with this until Fox commenced to lay a whuppin' upon the other networks in the ratings game. Competitors and those with opposing ideologies responded in true capitalistic fashion by raising the bar of competition and reaching for higher standards in order to win back viewers. Oh, wait, that's not true. They just started making fun of Fox, and, in turn, all of the people that watch it. It seems like a pretty poor strategy to me. I mean, it's almost as silly as trying to decrease Rush Limbaugh's audience by making fun of him for being fat. Oh. Right, my bad.
So what he have is a bunch of high-minded intellectual-types from prestigious and non-biased institutions like the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and Congress (ahem) criticizing Fox, its owners, and its viewers for slanting to the right. Even if Fox is not "fair and balanced," I'm not sure what the problem is. If I want to watch a news network that leans right, I should be allowed to. Before, I couldn't, but at least I have a choice now. And we're all pro-choice and pro-first amendment around here, right? But we don't have cable anymore (which I don't miss, except for the fact that NCAA basketball has started), so I can not be criticized for my TV viewing preference - only my internet browsing. And the problem with this, in my humble, right-wing reactionary opinion, is two-fold.
The first is that I use other sources. Yes, foxnews.com is my primary reference point, but it's not as though I don't sample from a myriad of places. For crying out loud, I've even commented on USA Today articles. That's like referencing Readers Digest! And what about the Iowa State Daily? That's like referencing a middle school newspaper (cheap shot, -5)!
The second problem with this criticism is that a vast, VAST majority of the articles on ALL of these websites come from either the AP or Reuters (being the highly objective wire service that it is). Fox merely reprints them, as does CNN, and every other website on the internet. The only reason Fox gets sited instead of CNN is that I read foxnews.com first - it's the exact same article no matter where you get it. In fact, I've discovered that most internet news is one big redundant mess. Everyone everywhere gets the same story at the same time (except for the rare instance in which I cover a story before someone, like say Dave Barry, by a full 16 days - I rule!!!), so it doesn't matter which URL you read it from.
But, nonetheless, I will, just this once, succumb to the criticism. For this week, and this week only, I will not blog on a single Fox News story (Leftovers, of course, will be excluded from this). The "Ain't No M.J. None of the Time" policy is still in full force, as well, so I may be a bit strapped for material, but I am willing to make the extra effort, just because that's the kind of person I am: a nice guy. So, for the first day of my adventure into the world of objective sources, I will turn to The Drudge Report.
Roy Disney, nephew of Walt, has resigned from the Disney board of directors, and, as a parting gift of sorts, has sent a scathing letter to CEO Michael Eisner. It seems that Roy is upset with the general direction of the company over the last 7 years, as well as Eisner's notorious (micro) management style, and he wants Eisner to step down, too. Given the downward trend of the company, as well as Eisner's general inability to work with anyone (I learned from Trivial Pursuit this weekend that Shrek's overbearing Lord Farquaad was based on Eisner), Roy may have a pretty good point. But I think he missed the two biggest reasons that Eisner should be given the proverbial boot: Pocahontas and Mulan. 'Nuff said.

Posted by at 10:04 AM | Comments (3)