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February 19, 2005
How to Ride in an Elevator
Our first assignment for Creative Non-Fiction Writing is an essay in the second person. Such an essay is written with 'you' doing the action as opposed to 'I' (first person) or 'he/she/they' (third person). My essay is a variation on my entry from this summer, And Now for Something Completely Different:
How to Ride in an Elevator
Enter a tall downtown office building through the revolving doors. Nod at the doorman with the white gloves. Hold your head high despite your paranoia that he knows you don't work in the building, and suppress your imagination when it begins to conjure up images of him radioing the police, fire department, and SWAT team at your intrusion. No matter that you're only trying to meet your dad for lunch.
Head directly to the middle of the six sets of elevator doors, and press the up button. Refuse the urge to tap your foot as you stare up at the set of floor numbers. Cross your hands behind you. Watch as the numbers illuminate one at a time in descending order. Cross your hands in front of you. Calculate how old you will be when the car reaches the ground floor.
When the doors finally open with a ding, enter the car and sigh with relief. When you notice a gentleman in a suit hurrying to make it into the same car before the door closes, reach for the door open button. Not only are you polite, you are sympathetic to the amount of time and patience consumed by summoning your own car. Unfortunately, the buttons are arranged in a different order than they had been on the elevator in your college dormitory. On this elevator, the call button is located exactly where you were accustomed to seeing the door open button.
When you accidentally press the call button, chaos ensues. Inside the car, a buzzer blares and red lights flash. The gentleman makes it into the elevator by sticking his arm between the closing doors, but is soon sorry he did. The car automatically dials the operator, and when she answers, the elevator plays a recording:
"Elevator emergency, Plymouth Building, car three." The gentleman sends various odd looks in your direction, as if you are not flustered enough.
The car finally stops at floor five, and the suited gentleman exits the car, looking annoyed. You finally locate the call cancel button, but it seems to be too late, because pressing it does not bring any results. Hurry off onto the fifth floor even though you wanted the seventh. Duck into the staircase until the gentleman disappears behind one of the office doors. Realize how dirty and creepy the staircase is, and rush out before you get attacked.
Stand in front of the six sets of elevator doors and wonder what to do. There are probably cameras in the cars, and the doorman will call in the National Guard, which will soon be storming the building in search of you. When the doors of another car open and someone else gets off, press the up button instead of just standing there looking like a moron. When car three stops, turn and walk away in the other direction.
Return to the elevator doors for another try. Push the up button and try to shake the feeling that you're playing the slots. Give thanks when the doors to car two open. Press the button for floor seven. Discretely search the car for cameras as the doors close. Try not to panic when three seconds have passed and the car has not moved. Take a deep breath when four seconds have passed and the car remains motionless. After five seconds, lunge for the door open button and beat it repeatedly until the doors open.
Rush back out onto the fifth floor and force yourself to stop hyperventilating. Climb the two flights of vomit-spattered, cigarette butt laden stairs while avoiding the hand railing. Exit the stairwell on the seventh floor. Swear to everything holy that you will never set foot in an elevator again.
Posted by Megan at February 19, 2005 09:43 PM