Emily Engelking: i sing

July 17, 2007

i sing

today. today was all about determining the safety of a child. trying to grasp concepts, to understand the definitions of "safety concern" and of "risk" and the difference. the answer is severity and immediacy, i know. but tell me that again when i have a seven year old with cigarette burns on his feet or a father who says it is is "god-given right" to discipline his child or a black-eyed mom who forgot her child's medication but promises to remember today.

and why is the mere presence of a paramour so dangerous? why does the word throw up red flags? have we really created a society where we find it easier or alright to hit a child if it lacks your blood? does responsibility drives us over the edge?

we sang this song in church yesterday. it struck my heart in such a way.

we sing of your mercy and your unending love
we sing of your faithfulness and your grace to us
we sing as loud as we can, louder than the world

we sing of your beauty, this unfailing peace
we sing of your righteousness...

it goes on and on. you get the point. as loud as i can. gosh lord i am trying. it is the ache of my heart to sing loudly. louder than the world.

the world is so very loud here. so very loud.

when did it become impressive just for young married couples to come to a bible study? to pray out loud and confess that they love the lord. in this world it did

when did "this is what i am supposed to do" go from a phrase backed with such conviction and passion in my life go to a duty, an increasingly heavy burden to do my part in helping children and families in need.

walking up to one of my foster homes the other day, i let myself take in the scene. i park my car where i can see it from the house, it stands out on the street if you know what i mean. the mom is sitting on her porch talking with her sister. they are both unkempt and look very tired. one child is playing nearby and mom is using her foot to bounce a baby in one of those standy-toy things. she smiles at us, and i cherish it cause it appears to me that's about all she can muster. she is watching down the street for the school bus our fourteen year-old is never on like he should be. and though there is no glimmer in her eyes, i know she is hoping today maybe he will be. we talk of the eighteen year-old also on my caseload that she is housing and her toddler this mom is also raising. she talks with ease. happy to vent i think to myself. happy to have someone listen. we talk of the home, her opinions, the weather, the prom, and everything else that comes our way. the time passes, oddly enough i am comfortable and feel no urge to leave, but eventually we do. she calls out. we will be back she knows. i appreciate her

later, i am driving in a different neighborhood, i see some very questionable activity occurring on a street corner. drugs i assume. boarded over windows, graffiti everywhere and a church on every block. i wonder what m.b. stands for. ill ask someone later. i notice a teen boy sitting on a bench. when the light is green i drive through another intersection to another block. the entire world has changed. here there are freshly cut lawns and painted houses. no sign of graffiti. i notice a woman watering flowers. i wonder what these two individuals would think of each other if they even gave each other a thought. how does a street becomes such a powerful line? how many people drive through the intersection like i did or do they turn one way or the other? i wonder which one really is more "needy" a term we through around in my profession. what a world.

i wonder what people think about each other when they meet. what can you really know from a person's physical appearance or one little tidbit they might offer you...? "i'm adopted." "i'm a christian". "i'm on probation." i'm divorced" funny how i've spent my whole life trying to fight my own stereotypes and judgments and yet if im humble, i will admit i pick more up all the time. hate it. oh how i hate it. i wage a whole new war. can i even sing?

so im still driving. thinking about culture and what im going to make us for dinner and if those kids are safe in those homes. getting scared about my licensure exams and about possibly never getting full nights of sleep again.

we sing as loud as we can.

Posted by Emily at July 17, 2007 05:07 PM

Comments

ah. there it is. the heart i love.

Posted by: Autumn at June 11, 2007 10:37 PM

Damn. You should blog more often. This is incredible.

Posted by: Pat at June 12, 2007 06:44 PM

This should be published.

Posted by: Megan at June 12, 2007 09:41 PM

ah you blairs are too kind

Posted by: em at June 13, 2007 05:45 PM

you make me cry, beautiful

Posted by: Ashley Buller at July 20, 2007 09:56 PM