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May 24, 2005
get this...
...okay, so some of you know some of the things God has been doing with this grad school decision, but for my personal benefit, and for anyone who might be reading, i need to list the things God has done along the way. see, today i had a meeting with my professor and afterwards, boom! satan had me down and out--even though the meeting didn't go bad at all. so i need to remember the last several months...some of these things don't directly have to do with where i am now, but have just been blessings along the way...
1. last fall, i got to take a class with a girl i'd been taking class with since my freshman year. i got to encourage her with several decisions she was making, support her in her own ministry endeavors, and just simply be her trusted friend. and it was in THAT class, that i met dr. cross for the first time
2. when i first started thinking hardcore about grad school, i knew i needed to take the GRE. as much as i was dreading it, and dreading having to study over christmas break, God provided an incredible blessing--becki levad!! at faithwalkers, we discovered we were both taking the GRE in january and so we studied together during faithwalkers AND she came to ames and holed up in the borseths' basement with me. i seriously don't think i would have studied at all if it weren't for her.
3. spring semester i needed to take a social science class that wasn't sociology or psychology. i signed up for this political science class that sounded sweet, but when the prof told us on the first day that he WOULD tell us if we asked a stupid question i promptly dropped the course. that drop was filled with a new class--anthro 250--my beloved contemporary muslim societies class. and that my friend, is where things really speed up.
4. as part of anthro 250, i had to do a country project. i decided to talk to dr. cross because i wanted to incorporate cultural psychology into my project. while meeting with her to discuss it for the first time, we get into a two hour discussion which results in my finding out she's a christian on a mission in the university.
5. dr. cross really got me thinking about grad school again and about how God might want to use me there. so i really started praying about it. when i finally got the nerve to ask for counsel, ever person i thought would say "no! don't do it!" said "yes! go for it!" as if that wasn't enough...
6. when i talked to chris biang about things, he asked me why i couldn't start grad school this fall. well, i had decided that it was just too late and out of the realm of possibilities. unfortunately, despite my belief, i told him i would ask if it were possible.
7. much to my surprise, dr. cross said LAST WEEK--note: the application deadline was March 15--that it was still a possibility. so with that, i got the go-ahead again and have begun to fill out applications. saturday, i emailed the ISBR about an assistantship, two more professors for recommendation letters, and started to fill out the grad college app. by sunday night i had heard back from the ISBR and one of the profs.
here's where we hit the snag...today that is. you see, this should be pretty obvious to anyone who knows me, i am a by the books kind of girl. i follow the regulations, rules, and deadlines. that's the kind of person i like to be known as. yes, i'm not ashamed to say i'm not exactly a rebel. but EVERYTHING about this application process is NOT by the book. it's completely unorthodox, it's completely irresponsible, and i just keep expecting to have the door slammed in my face.
God has me in a spot where i am, and HAVE TO BE, receiving grace, that is unmerited favor. these professors should not be filling out these forms. the grad college shouldn't even be thinking about accepting me. according to the rules, i should be having to suffer through my decision to not go through with my original application and wait a year to go to grad school.
even my application! there are SO many things i have "messed up" because i didn't think i was going to grad school. i switched my major from a b.s. to a b.a., i didn't take classes that i should have, i didn't join honor societies even though i got all the applications in the mail.
these are incredibly amazing and pretty emotional lessons God is throwing my way right now. it's blowing my mind how perfect this situation is to drag up the crap i'm believing about God and myself...
...that i CAN screw up God's plan
...that someone i could put myself in a place where i'd be ineffective
...that he can't use me
and then, get this...
here i am, walking my sorry butt back across campus to work, trying to figure out if i can just leave work for the afternoon because i'm about reading to bawl and i have a lump in my throat the size of canada, and boom! God dumps some more goodness on me! one of my staff, ashley, is sitting beneath a tree reading her bible. she asked me how i'm doing, at which i promptly start crying.
i sit down, we talk through things, i tell her the verses i'm trying to cling to, and we pray. it helped immensely! i was able to go back to work at peace and finish the day.
so i don't know guys, i hope that's encouraging to you. i hope that you'll continue to pray for me as i seek God with my future.
Test me, O LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;
for your love is ever before me,
and I walk continually in your truth. Ps 26:2-3
Posted by Autumn at May 24, 2005 08:35 PM