« April 2005 | Main | July 2005 »
May 24, 2005
get this...
...okay, so some of you know some of the things God has been doing with this grad school decision, but for my personal benefit, and for anyone who might be reading, i need to list the things God has done along the way. see, today i had a meeting with my professor and afterwards, boom! satan had me down and out--even though the meeting didn't go bad at all. so i need to remember the last several months...some of these things don't directly have to do with where i am now, but have just been blessings along the way...
1. last fall, i got to take a class with a girl i'd been taking class with since my freshman year. i got to encourage her with several decisions she was making, support her in her own ministry endeavors, and just simply be her trusted friend. and it was in THAT class, that i met dr. cross for the first time
2. when i first started thinking hardcore about grad school, i knew i needed to take the GRE. as much as i was dreading it, and dreading having to study over christmas break, God provided an incredible blessing--becki levad!! at faithwalkers, we discovered we were both taking the GRE in january and so we studied together during faithwalkers AND she came to ames and holed up in the borseths' basement with me. i seriously don't think i would have studied at all if it weren't for her.
3. spring semester i needed to take a social science class that wasn't sociology or psychology. i signed up for this political science class that sounded sweet, but when the prof told us on the first day that he WOULD tell us if we asked a stupid question i promptly dropped the course. that drop was filled with a new class--anthro 250--my beloved contemporary muslim societies class. and that my friend, is where things really speed up.
4. as part of anthro 250, i had to do a country project. i decided to talk to dr. cross because i wanted to incorporate cultural psychology into my project. while meeting with her to discuss it for the first time, we get into a two hour discussion which results in my finding out she's a christian on a mission in the university.
5. dr. cross really got me thinking about grad school again and about how God might want to use me there. so i really started praying about it. when i finally got the nerve to ask for counsel, ever person i thought would say "no! don't do it!" said "yes! go for it!" as if that wasn't enough...
6. when i talked to chris biang about things, he asked me why i couldn't start grad school this fall. well, i had decided that it was just too late and out of the realm of possibilities. unfortunately, despite my belief, i told him i would ask if it were possible.
7. much to my surprise, dr. cross said LAST WEEK--note: the application deadline was March 15--that it was still a possibility. so with that, i got the go-ahead again and have begun to fill out applications. saturday, i emailed the ISBR about an assistantship, two more professors for recommendation letters, and started to fill out the grad college app. by sunday night i had heard back from the ISBR and one of the profs.
here's where we hit the snag...today that is. you see, this should be pretty obvious to anyone who knows me, i am a by the books kind of girl. i follow the regulations, rules, and deadlines. that's the kind of person i like to be known as. yes, i'm not ashamed to say i'm not exactly a rebel. but EVERYTHING about this application process is NOT by the book. it's completely unorthodox, it's completely irresponsible, and i just keep expecting to have the door slammed in my face.
God has me in a spot where i am, and HAVE TO BE, receiving grace, that is unmerited favor. these professors should not be filling out these forms. the grad college shouldn't even be thinking about accepting me. according to the rules, i should be having to suffer through my decision to not go through with my original application and wait a year to go to grad school.
even my application! there are SO many things i have "messed up" because i didn't think i was going to grad school. i switched my major from a b.s. to a b.a., i didn't take classes that i should have, i didn't join honor societies even though i got all the applications in the mail.
these are incredibly amazing and pretty emotional lessons God is throwing my way right now. it's blowing my mind how perfect this situation is to drag up the crap i'm believing about God and myself...
...that i CAN screw up God's plan
...that someone i could put myself in a place where i'd be ineffective
...that he can't use me
and then, get this...
here i am, walking my sorry butt back across campus to work, trying to figure out if i can just leave work for the afternoon because i'm about reading to bawl and i have a lump in my throat the size of canada, and boom! God dumps some more goodness on me! one of my staff, ashley, is sitting beneath a tree reading her bible. she asked me how i'm doing, at which i promptly start crying.
i sit down, we talk through things, i tell her the verses i'm trying to cling to, and we pray. it helped immensely! i was able to go back to work at peace and finish the day.
so i don't know guys, i hope that's encouraging to you. i hope that you'll continue to pray for me as i seek God with my future.
Test me, O LORD, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;
for your love is ever before me,
and I walk continually in your truth. Ps 26:2-3
Posted by Autumn at 08:35 PM | Comments (0)
May 14, 2005
to be used by you...
okay, so the wonderful, wonderful, wigdahl family bought me the new jeremy camp cd for graduation. for those of you who don't already know, i adore jeremy camp. i love the way his voice sounds and his lyrics touch my heart. so first of all, i want to share the lyrics that i really think are going to be a huge part of my summer and my life's theme--then, i'll tell you what i'm encouraged about...
You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the King
Chorus:
This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you
You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will
All my life I have seen where you've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done
so I give my hands to use
man...if you get a chance to hear this song, you really should. it's been amazing to me how much emotion and pain i've been experiencing even in these last few days and yet at the same time, i've experienced much joy and encouragement.
right now, i admit i am flying pretty high. i just got done with a pretty long day of work. 8-2, giving tours of Friley and more training stuff, then i spent 2-5:30 grocery shopping and baking, and then 5:30-12:00 back at work.
tonight we did a mock "live-in." basically that means that when groups under the age of 18 stay with us, we have to have a liaison between the DoR and the conference. they basically just have to stay overnight, do rounds, make sure the building doesn't get set on fire, etc. so we trained from 6:30-10:00pm and then had a social.
oh my goodness guys--this job is such a blessing. i get PAID to build relationships with a group of 25 twenty year olds. i am spending more time with them than i ever got to spend with younger students when i lived in the dorms. it's so incredible. the bonding is happening so fast because we spend so much time together.
and it's been amazing...the kids i thought would be the least receptive have been so fun! AND i've really had the opportunity to show these people love just through what i would consider relatively normal activities for me...spending time talking with them, caring about what they're interested in, serving them by doing grunt work in the office, letting them know i love them by baking things (they really like that). i know they haven't quite figured out why i do the things i do, but i hope i can keep being a light...
tonight we played catch phrase for two hours. TWO hours spent with a bunch of kids, only one of which i know is a christian. i could NEVER have gotten 25 kids to come play catch phrase after the rock...i never even had time to get to know that many kids. and here it is, God creating a job in which i HAVE to spend 40 hours a week with them.
and they are so sociable...they have done something together every night this week. tomorrow we're having a bbq and playing frisbee and volleyball at Frederiksen Court. and anyone's welcome. i really hope that some of the people who are still here in ames will be able to join me in getting to know these people.
so you're probably wondering what this all has to do with the song lyrics. it is SO my heart's desire to be used by God and i really think he has me in a place where i can be this summer...i just have to lay it all down. this job is exceeding anything i could have dreamed up myself, so i'm just trying to do what the lyrics say...give my hands and see what happens.
of course this doesn't mean that there won't be hard days or boring days, or days when my faith is lacking, but this song has helped me realize that despite all that, despite what my day-to-day feelings are, my desire is to be used by God and he knows that and is honored by it.
continue to pray for me, guys, as i pray for you...
Posted by Autumn at 12:40 AM | Comments (0)
May 11, 2005
the real world...
...okay, so maybe not the real world, but at least the post-undergraduate summer. it's been...interesting.
first of all, those of you who know about my stressing out about my family and the graduation party, get this...not only did my parents act civil, they ALL sat at the same table the whole time with their respective spouses. it was amazing. i never even expected or asked that of God.
sunday was spent adjusting to real life. unpacking, rearranging, grocery shopping. all wonderful, of course. as much as i have loved being in the dorms, transitioning into a real home has been awesome. i love being at home by myself, cooking, cleaning, and keeping the stereo cranked. yes, yes, moving in has brought out the susie homemaker in me...
monday morning brought my first day of real work. i was pretty nervous. after all, all semester long, i've only been at this job three hours a day. and let me tell you, these past few weeks had been HARD. i did not want to sit through any more document review and training. i just wanted to do my friggin' job. but guess what! it's been wonderful!! i LOVE what i do. i've done more random clerical tasks in the past couple days than i ever have before. and the hours fly by...no problem at all.
i've totally been shown God's favor in this job. i get to set my own hours so after i went to the Lone Strangers concert and got home way too late last night, i was able to go in an hour later this morning. and since i can take an hour for lunch, i was able to have lunch and say goodbye to christie yesterday, emily today.
and even though those conversations have been hard (for different reasons that i won't be blogging about at this moment...give me a call if you need the details), God gave me the grace to be able to go back to work and interact with my co-workers in a pretty normal, composed way. seriously, in the car today, i was like, okay God, i'm not okay at all right now, but i have to go back to work, please help me. and being the amazingly faithful God he is (yes, i'm playing captain obvious at the moment).
i made it through the whole afternoon and my co-workers and i went out after work. i've never had the "buck burgers" experience before, but it was not as scary as i thought it might be. i played two games of pool--the second of which i made the winning shot on. it was so good to get to know my co-workers more. you guys can pray God does a lot there this summer.
anyway, now i'll sit around for a bit, go for a run, and then relax for the night. i'm hoping to spend a lot of time with God this summer...figuring out my life. i suspect there will be a lot of hard decisions coming up for me. everything seems to be pointing to grad school...
and here i sit, seeing the evidence of God's leading, and most likely his will for my life, but i find myself wanting to say, no! i don't have the faith that you will help me make it if i have to stay in ames for three more years. i have a feeling this is going to be a stretching, tear-filled summer. but it will be good, i know it will be...
You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry... Ps 10:17
i was really encouraged by this verse. God knows my desires, he hears me, and he will reply with much help...
Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay. Ps 40:17
Posted by Autumn at 07:17 PM | Comments (0)
May 02, 2005
gory and glory...
the parallel lines of life continue to run their course...
i feel like i'm being tested in so many areas right now. here's just a couple...
1. my relationships...this past week has been filled with hardships as i see my brothers and sisters in pain. can i be compassionate enough? will i be bold enough? what am i willing to do to stand in the line of fire? i feel like i stand there-- shaking, timidly holding my own shield of faith, trying to protect us both and not feeling very successful. in the book i was telling you all about, blood brothers, elias said the following and i think it's been true of my life this week...
"I had forgotten my prayer of months before when I had asked Him to use my hands and feet and tongue to bring peace back to our people's hearts. Had I remembered, I would not have understood then that such a commitment, when spoken from the heart, means being called out, singled out from the crowd. It may mean drinking from the bitter cup of rejection and humiliation--standing in the face of a lie in order for the truth to win out ultimately."
i think that totally ties into what rory whitney was saying on saturday night as he spoke of counting the costs of discipleship. i think God is simply reminding me of the price that seems so steep to me but is so puny in light of what we have been given.
2. my faith...of course, this is broad, but to narrow it down, i find i am still hardcore trying to decide what to do with my life. for those of you who don't know, i took a job for the fall with the institute for social and behavioral research so that i can have some research experience while i wait for grad school. this is of course supposing that i AM waiting for grad school. and let's face it...i have seen God do tons of stuff this semester, i have sought counsel out the wazoo, i have prayed, i have read...i just need to take the step of faith and say i believe that...
The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. Ps 32:8, 10
and that i also believe this will be true...
Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight and understanding. Search for them as you would for lost money or hidden treasure. Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of good sense to the godly. He is their shield, protecting those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of justice and protects those who are faithful to him. Pr 2:2-8
and yet, meanwhile, despite all this testing, worry, and pain, many blessings have been present in my life...
1. the rock yer end party :) the night sky was SO beautiful. somehow it's so much more amazing when you're singing songs of God's power and goodness when you're staring at a million stars in the country sky.
2. my dad came to church this sunday. he's never asked to come before and i'm not even sure why he came this sunday. but i trust God used it and we'll see what happens.
3. i got to spend hours and hours with libby, sarah, terianne, and amber on sunday. supposedly studying but mostly just laughing a lot and planning texas roadtrips for august :)
4. spending hours with my bosses tonight, eating dinner at panera, talking about everything from families to children's books to issues of homelessness. i love those women and i am going to miss working for them.
anyway, okay, for those of you who were hacked at my lack of blogging lately, this is what i got. it's not profound, but eh, give a graduating girl a break :)
Posted by Autumn at 11:04 PM | Comments (0)