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April 04, 2005
today it looks like...
About an hour ago, I had one of the hardest conversations I've had in a long time. Let me give you some background...
For the past almost two years now, I have been trying desperately to befriend and reach out to one of my ISU classmates. Every time my efforts have been met by his defenses.
He has been hurt by many, many people in his life. The result has been that he is deceived to think that the only way to survive is to take things into your own hands, cling to your anger and hate, so that you might have something to drive you to succeed. These are the words out of his mouth, not my assumptions.
He has always questioned why I care about him. His hypotheses include: Is is because I'm secretly attracted to him and just can't admit it? Is it because I feel better about myself after trying to reach out to him? Is it because I need someone to make fun of with my friends? Is it because I pity him?
My endeavors have not yielded anything beneficial for my life. Nothing tangible at least...
Here's what I think I have received from him...
A picture of what I do to Christ every day. Every day I shred his character and his love for me to pieces because of MY pain, MY inability to figure out why he would care for me, MY wrong conclusions. And every single, stinking day, he comes back for more. Amazing love...
A picture of humility. This young man has asked me to bow out of his life. His independence and pride have succeeded in pushing me out. Tonight he told me "Pat yourself on the back, you've got closer than most. I'm proud of you. But I'm going to succeed alone or die trying."
Do you know how much that hurt?
I cannot go against his wishes. I no longer have the opportunity to say "the right things" (though I have shared Scripture and truth with him several times in the past). The only power I have left is prayer--my personality, my kindness, my words of wisdom will no longer reach into his life. But he can't stop me from praying for him...
...and that is what humility looks like for me today.
Please pray for him, friends. You need not know his name or his face. God knows who he is...
Posted by Autumn at April 4, 2005 07:08 PM