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January 03, 2007
Coming Home
I sat down this evening to read a bit of my favorite non-biblical book: Captivating. I read as much as I could digest, and then felt compelled to skim through some of the parts that I had marked in the back…. And I stumbled upon a jewel of a thought that God used to draw a few things He’s been trying to teach me this past year.
Stasi writes, “We don’t get to wait to offer our lives until we have our acts together. We don’t get that luxury. If we did, would anyone ever feel like offering anything? God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share and give in our weakness. He wants us to offer the beauty that he has been given us even when we are keenly aware that it is not all that we wish it were. He wants us to trust Him.
How it turns out is no longer the point. Living in this way, as a woman alive is a choice we make because it is the woman we want to be. It is our loving response to our Lover’s invitation.”
I’ve found myself so afraid these past few months of offering anything of myself because I have felt my life and my heart are in pieces. I have done nothing but try to eliminate from my heart the countless expectations that I have of myself to live and to exist in certain ways. I’ve been so caught up and confused about who I am even supposed to be…. And then God somewhere, somehow has been trying to get through to me.
It started clearly to me the night of our SALT 3 closing ceremonies. After we had our dinner and our fun, we gathered together to pray one last time for the city, for the lost, for one another. During the time our brothers & sisters were praying for those of us heading back to Ames, one of the men prayed for me: thanking God for me & my “beautiful brokenness” & how is spoke to him. That was one of those moments in time that froze, and that phrase has been haunting me.
Just a couple weeks ago, I had coffee with two of my friends, we were talking about some things that I have been having a particularly hard time trusting God with. It was an amazing time for them to help me carry that burden to God, and in that hour or so, two things struck me in a profound way.
My one friend looked at me, and challenged me to think of the woman I dream to be. I remember her words so clearly as she told me that she sees that woman in me, that I am closer than I may think to becoming her, that I just need to shift my focus and to ask God how to trust Him more clearly. For me, it was one of those moments where I began to see myself through the eyes of one who loves me so much. Not long after that, my other friend looked right at me as we were talking about things still, and said something so simple: “Stop trying so hard.”
These three things have been playing over and over in my head as I have been trying to figure out what to do with myself… and today as I sat in my room reading those words from ‘Captivating,’ I broke and something sank deep into my heart. I think I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to be this woman that God has made me to be, when all that is asked of me is to stop and simply be.
“…He wants us to trust Him. How it turns out is no longer the point. Living in this way, as a woman alive is a choice we make because it is the woman we want to be…”
As I was putting these thoughts all together the song on my CD player changed to “Come Home Running” by Christ Tomlin, and I just broke down weeping… finally just me, and at rest…
“So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are
Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, "daughter" and "son"
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness “
Posted by Angelina at 09:37 PM | Comments (5)