August 19, 2007
The root of awkwardness
This is a moderately profound thought not entirely my own, (well, maybe not even my own at all) but I somehow feel the need to let it breath a little......
A friend and I were recently talking about a specific problem she is having. Not even thinking, I was like, oh, you should talk to so and so because so and so knows what to do. Which elicited a very tense response... that would be so awkward, though. What? Where's the awkwardness? And, it comes down to this.... after two years of being in a church with someone and being in their same circle of existence, they had never been introduced.
My gut reaction was to think that was completely ridiculous! Until, I started to think of all the people that I've never been introduced to and feel completely awkward talking to even though I'd like to very much. AND, what's more is that there are people whom I've never been introduced but have for one reason or another interacted with consistently and like very much, yet I still cannot do the unthinkable of pursuing them relationally outside of the context of that interaction.
The answer seems so simple, but the solution appears to be painfully awkward. How does one bring about an end to this painfully awkward paradigm? I I mean, if it's too awkward to do anything about now, what will it be like in, say ten years? I mean, really? It'll suck. Yet, I can only aspire to vow to put an end to such awkwardness in my life.... I'm sure tomorrow I'll have forgotten all such passion and relegate myself yet again to the normalcy of the shade of the awkward tree in my life.
Posted by Angelina at 01:27 AM | Comments (4)
January 03, 2007
Coming Home
I sat down this evening to read a bit of my favorite non-biblical book: Captivating. I read as much as I could digest, and then felt compelled to skim through some of the parts that I had marked in the back…. And I stumbled upon a jewel of a thought that God used to draw a few things He’s been trying to teach me this past year.
Stasi writes, “We don’t get to wait to offer our lives until we have our acts together. We don’t get that luxury. If we did, would anyone ever feel like offering anything? God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share and give in our weakness. He wants us to offer the beauty that he has been given us even when we are keenly aware that it is not all that we wish it were. He wants us to trust Him.
How it turns out is no longer the point. Living in this way, as a woman alive is a choice we make because it is the woman we want to be. It is our loving response to our Lover’s invitation.”
I’ve found myself so afraid these past few months of offering anything of myself because I have felt my life and my heart are in pieces. I have done nothing but try to eliminate from my heart the countless expectations that I have of myself to live and to exist in certain ways. I’ve been so caught up and confused about who I am even supposed to be…. And then God somewhere, somehow has been trying to get through to me.
It started clearly to me the night of our SALT 3 closing ceremonies. After we had our dinner and our fun, we gathered together to pray one last time for the city, for the lost, for one another. During the time our brothers & sisters were praying for those of us heading back to Ames, one of the men prayed for me: thanking God for me & my “beautiful brokenness” & how is spoke to him. That was one of those moments in time that froze, and that phrase has been haunting me.
Just a couple weeks ago, I had coffee with two of my friends, we were talking about some things that I have been having a particularly hard time trusting God with. It was an amazing time for them to help me carry that burden to God, and in that hour or so, two things struck me in a profound way.
My one friend looked at me, and challenged me to think of the woman I dream to be. I remember her words so clearly as she told me that she sees that woman in me, that I am closer than I may think to becoming her, that I just need to shift my focus and to ask God how to trust Him more clearly. For me, it was one of those moments where I began to see myself through the eyes of one who loves me so much. Not long after that, my other friend looked right at me as we were talking about things still, and said something so simple: “Stop trying so hard.”
These three things have been playing over and over in my head as I have been trying to figure out what to do with myself… and today as I sat in my room reading those words from ‘Captivating,’ I broke and something sank deep into my heart. I think I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to be this woman that God has made me to be, when all that is asked of me is to stop and simply be.
“…He wants us to trust Him. How it turns out is no longer the point. Living in this way, as a woman alive is a choice we make because it is the woman we want to be…”
As I was putting these thoughts all together the song on my CD player changed to “Come Home Running” by Christ Tomlin, and I just broke down weeping… finally just me, and at rest…
“So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are
Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, "daughter" and "son"
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness “
Posted by Angelina at 09:37 PM | Comments (5)
November 01, 2006
Straight from God...
So, this morning I am reading the Bible and telling Alicia how I'm convinced that I'm utterly discouraged right now because I'm reading the book of Jeremiah.... and, well, it's just not that happy! But then, I look down at the book and am utterly amazed by what I read.
Let me preface this with the back story. Growing up, I had a bit of an unusual nickname, some may call it a term of endearment, given to me by my mother. You see, she always called me heifer. Now, some of you may utterly dismayed by this, knowing that a heifer is a female calf.... a baby cow. And, you may think that this has had severe psychological affects on me... that I have some complex about thinking I'm a cow or something. However, this is not so. I simply thought it was normal and commonly like to tell people of my unusual little nickname.
So, I just had been telling Alicia how utterly discouraging Jeremiah is, and looked back down at my Bible when all the other words just sort of disappeared and I read Jeremiah 46:20, the first phrase, "Egypt is a beautiful heifer..." Now, if you back up and rad the context I think God is talking about how He is going to bring an end to the Jews of Egypt... like fattened calves. But, I'm going with this, and completely disregarding context and I am choosing to claim that God told me that I was beautiful this morning. Beautiful Heifer, right? Must have been talking to me. I'm a big fan of Jeremiah. He's a great guy.
Posted by Angelina at 11:57 AM | Comments (2)
August 29, 2006
Semi-recent developments
After years of serving in my role as the Storms, then Friley female Fellowship team leader in the Rock, I've stepped out of that role. It has been an interesting few weeks since I have been back in Ames to say the least. I am not sure that I would have predicted this to be the case, however, it is what it is and I am confident that it is the Lord's leading in my life.
Let me back up and tell a bit of the story....
I left for SALT (Spiritual and life training) this summer in Chicago desiring to grow in two things in my life: resting in the Lord and tithing.
I saw minimal growth in these areas over the summer. It was trying and stretching for me to be sure, but I don't think the real work that God wanted to do in these areas of my life was done. Nevertheless, I came back to Ames excited and fired up about a few things. However, every time I tried to do anything about the things on my heart or would simply do the things necessary to carry out my responsibilities, I quickly became under a sort of spiritual attack. Nothing seemed to go right in my heart or in my circumstances.
This is not a phenomenon I usually experience when I am in the will of God in my life. So, I began to pray about it. It quickly became apparent to me that God wanted to do some refining work in my life, and for me to be able to focus in and allow him to do that work, I must step out of these things that are good things to do, however prove to be a major distraction to me from myself and the center of what is going on in my life.
I asked Tim for his blessing, as well as the blessings of my co-leaders. I talked to my team. And, it is finished. It's been a strange time of life for me already, just a little over a week after this decision was made. Sometimes I'm happy. sometimes I am afraid. I can honestly say that I have no idea what God is going to do with this time other than something truly amazing. My biggest prayer this summer was that God would expand the borders of my influence. I think this time is essential for him to be able to do that. myself and my impurities have been getting in the way of the refining work of god for much too long. I must decrease. He must increase....
Posted by Angelina at 12:30 AM | Comments (1)
August 17, 2006
The Down Low
So, it is true that the post amazing summer blues have hit me hard. I am glad to be home and back in Ames, but it continues to be a massive adjustment for me. Sometimes I walk around not knowing what I am doing. I miss the simplicity of my life this summer. Now I am aurrounded by people and relationships back in my large circle of life here, and I find myself not knowing exactly what to do at any given time. I often only see people at meetings 'cause I don't know who to call or what to do.
The wedding last week was a healthy diversion for me. But, it only seemed to prolong the inevitable. I worked hard and keep myself from thinking too much about what awaited me back in Ames again. I still ddn't talk to anyone over the weekend. I think I get so overwhelmed in large groups of people lately that i just shut down.
This week I find myself confronted with some major decisions about what my life and my ministry will look like this year. I feel like I'm tossed upon the waves of my emotions, and have been trying so desperately to slow down and hear from God. Tonight I think that I did for once hear from God since I've been back. It was at our All Leders' Kickoff Meeting. It was kind of cool. I guess I'll see what comes of that.
The meeting tonight was great, though. I feel like we as a 'church' are in a really good, humble, desperate place. God can meet us here, and I felt like He did at our prayer meeting. I feel bad for those who missed it. It was a great time of prayer. It made me miss this summer, but it was exhilirating to feel a glimpse of what I haven't felt for a week and a half now.
Posted by Angelina at 12:55 AM | Comments (1)